SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello my SI friends,

As time passes and my H and I talk, process and live the dissonance is so overwhelming.

I asked my H a question a few days ago and although I’m amazed at how deep he’s dug, how he can articulate his own thoughts and feelings, how much he has reflected and sat with himself, his answer has gutted me.

I asked if being my husband was harder pre DD or post DD. He said that because of his behaviour over the years and how he was raised he ‘kept’ me as a wife, he was ‘fake’ because he had to be, he knew I despised people that were like him (people who were cheaters) and I’d hate him and leave him if I knew, he hated what he had done and wanted to delete it but it was always there, he always told himself that because he provided and took care of everything financially this overrode his sins but it was always there. He saw my emotional needs over the years as nagging because obviously he was giving me everything I needed financially and it seemed nothing he ever did was good enough, when we moved to our fixer upper home in 2018 he said that he struggled with my emotional needs, he noticed that also I’d sort of ‘given up’ trying to ask for emotional support and I was sort of a bad ass that didn’t need him anymore ( this is true, when I hit peri I gave up trying for emotional depth with him I just decided to accept him for who he was and love him warts and all) . When on the occasion I did ask for me emotional needs to be met he would see it as an attack, along came AP who demanded nothing and offered everything, he said the shit he’d told himself about me simply wasn’t true and deep down he knew that, he just didn’t know how to get himself out of the mess he’d created. He said his avoidant approach was to hold his boundaries and hope AP would get the message, get fed up and disappear .
He explained after DD, therapy and over a year later he sees his flaws, he sees completely differently, not having to pretend is like air, he explained changes he’s seen in me that he knows are because he’s shown up. He said to answer the question it’s easier post DD, but the pain caused is the most horrific part.

Lots of other things were shared but this was the gist of it, now it’s one thing to know in your head that your H is not emotionally present throughout your 25 year marriage, but to sit through a conversation without saying a word and listen to this, that you have been married to someone wearing a mask, you were ‘managed’ and ‘kept’ is the most real but gutting thing I’ve ever heard.

All I can say really is well, this is shit, really shit. I’ll give him this though, not in a million years did I ever think my H could ever do what he’s done this past year or so. I told him that until he could give me an explanation as to why all this happened then I will never settle, he told me he would give me everything, he has and then some. But oh the dissonance, how can this man who has cut himself open for me be also capable of such despicable behaviour.

How on earth my SI friends do you calm the dissonance?

I do not know how to answer your question. But I have some thoughts that may lead to new questions to ask him that may help you reconcile the way you view your marriage long term.

I think there were ways my answers would have been similar to his and we had a couple decades of marriage in when this all happened to us.

It is a little reversed. I stopped looking to my husband to process emotional needs or to discuss things I would like to change about our marriage. So in many ways that led to the disconnection that allowed myself to shut him out more completely while having an affair.

It wasn’t that I was tricking him. I loved him. I was committed to our marriage as much as he was. But these skills I did not possess did lead to a break down in our connection. I didn’t know how to ask for what I wanted effectively. In a fact, I don’t think I knew all the things to say that I wanted.

It’s easy to blame the other person. I didn’t know I was masking myself totally, but in the rare event he would bring something up I would also feel attacked. I felt like I was doing everything I could on my end, not bringing up his shortcomings, how dare he bring up mine.

When I realized how flawed my thinking was, I too realized that my lack of authenticity was really just because I had learned not to be vulnerable with him. And from my side, some of it was he would usually greet my requests for more romance as "hey that just isn’t me." So he was shutting me down as well.

When we stop sharing our inner world (because of our own avoidance of conflict) then it can feel like a mask. I think this is not intentional deceit. I see it a bit differently than him because I am further out and can balance myself now with self compassion, as I have mostly dealt with the toxic shame that I was unaware of.

To me the mask he describes is a lack of self awareness in the coping and conflict management strategies i mostly was unconsciously using.

I can see that I wasn’t authentic, but I was as authentic as I knew how to be in our relationship. I didn’t go around lying to him or being deliberately malicious in standing our connection. It’s just that many of us do not know how to grow and develop the relationships we wished we could have.

So maybe instead of framing that as deception, it was more maladaptive - a person who is avoidant, not as self aware, not as good at connection (usually due to deeper seated issues that have to be worked though), and maybe not the best communication skills.

In that way I don’t think it was he was totally wearing a mask purposefully. Or that he even knew it was a mask. It’s more when you go through self discovery you can see how you created the entire situation, blamed the other person for parts that wasn’t theirs (I am talking aside from the affair- I never blamed him for that)

And I think what this actually set you up for, and it makes sense where you are in your timeline, is that it provides context for the new version of your marriage that you create together.

I am not sure I would say that it’s easier to be married now, but I would absolutely say that it’s much easier for me to be myself, to be accountable, and has presented the opportunity to practice new skills and a new appreciation for the life we have built together.

Your husband has done some outstanding digging. His framing will still evolve as he continues to grow.

I don’t know if that is helpful. I can only tell you that my intentions towards my husband was always good (until things had broken down inside of me so badly that i escaped into an affair- I would never label that as good intentions). My way of dealing with things was not - and I wasn’t trying to study that either. Your husband may have been more aware of his resentments the entire time, I was more of a rug sweeper, but one thing is for sure the resentments I did learn that I had were based completely on faulty perceptions. Now that examine things more closely and stay open to myself and to him it’s like your husband describes it’s as easy as breathing because I realize that it was my own insecurities I had avoided all along.

[This message edited by hikingout at 7:03 PM, Wednesday, April 8th]

I had a couple added thoughts:

Everything is easier in life when you feel yourself becoming who you want to be. If your marriage is easier for him, it’s because he likes who he is becoming. It’s allowing him to be softer and he is seeing you with softer eyes. He recognizes his flaws were being ignored while he focused on yours. We feel better when we can be more compassionate with ourselves because it allows the space to become more compassionate with others.

Being closed off takes a lot of energy because we are wired for connection. Now that he has opens he realizes that feels better. Being connected with self allows the room to become connected with others.

Our relationship with ourself is reflected in our relationships with others.

It’s such a shame that we have to inflict so much pain and uncertainty, and do so much damage that we finally begin to look at yourself as the problem.

Bruce everyone wears a mask, I call it the ego, is the version of yourself you built in your fantasy as to meet other people’s imaginary expectations.

It’s an artificial version of yourself. The true you hides inside this shell and you sometimes allow glimpses of your real self through intimacy. That’s the person we can fall in love with, but the most of interaction are lead by the masks, the egos because our nervous systems have learned (from fantasy and expectations rather than reality, but it’s the story we tell ourselves while growing up and building the ego) that the mask is like an armor. It can take a hit, but your inner self is still protected, not vulnerable, if the mask takes the beating the true you is still not wounded, as it’s hidden, not exposed.

But when intimacy is in the picture there’s a flip side to this:

The mask can be smiling while the person behind is crying.

I don’t say the ego is a bad thing per we, though I do personally believe now it’s bullshit and I feel better off dropping it’s weight all the time, it’s obviously a working survival mechanism because it’s so universally common that it must have a evolutionary role.

And it does actually help to prevent conflicts in social interactions (it can also generate conflict or worse is a double edge sword but that’s not the focus here), think of it as a sort of behavioral boundary to guard your inner world from unwanted visitors, although not a true boundary as it is artificial. The issue with it, is that the ego is not genuine, but it exists to receive external validation, it is purely performative.

And we are so used to put the ego mask first, that at some point validation for the mask gets equated with validation of our true selves. But that’s a trick, the mask is there to hide you, and it’s validation is always superficial it simply cannot bring you true happiness, because it’s not you, it’s a shadowy projection of an idealized, fake you.

With this framing you can make sense of what your husband did, what you did and why you both suffer.

And about the question "how can this man have done this after realizing the gravity of it?"

Very simple. It’s the same man, but hot the same mask.

It can be cracked, it can be replaced or (hopefully but it is hard) he might have thrown the mask away. The role he played wearing that ego mask doesn’t match anymore what he wears now. So he can be disgusted sincerely about what he did following the role he invested himself with during the betrayal.

The reconnect with him and you are glimpses of your true selves, you recognize that when you see the vulnerability.

Wether you both reach the point where you are comfortable to completely remove the mask between yourselves, or you get comfortable to just drop it it aside for moments of real intimacy, it’s still a good thing.

You aren’t playing the same game right now, and he’s not wearing that persona anymore (from what I get from your story), so he is changing, while the person behind is still the same, likely still unsure to be completely naked and vulnerable, he is a different personality, not the ego mask of the cheater he used to wear.

Hikingout,

You are absolutely right, I should have mentioned that he was reflecting on himself, he wasn’t consciously aware of his mask and again, he wasn’t being malicious either as you say.

Wearing these ‘masks’ was survival for him, a taught behaviour, he was taught that one must adapt and change to fit in the environment.

I don’t actually think he even knew what he wanted let alone find the words to express his feelings, I always wanted more depth, more availability and more vulnerability, well I say more but I was receiving bare minimum, like you I was always shut down and got ‘that’s not me’ too. I think maybe, and I’m guessing because I haven’t asked but I think he sees or used to see vulnerability as an attack of his masculinity.

Like you were, he was also a rug sweeper or I used to call it burying his head in the sand.

My H actually offers vulnerability now, he notices my actions, mood, he can predict triggers, he can read me and this is from a man that was completely reactive before and now if he notices me scanning I get. ‘Hey, talk to me’.

I find it amazing to watch him being himself with his family, he used a mask with them too, at first he was a little unsure but now it really is beautiful to watch, I’m sure they’re extremely confused but he’s so much happier and confident. He’s avoidant so he’s never going to call them out on their behaviour but he successfully blocks, diverts or removes himself from their emotional drivel.

Backfromthestorm,

I will have to respectfully disagree. I really really struggle with wearing a mask, I do try in social settings to try and wear a mask by watering down my personality, I’ve always gotten the feeling that I’m too much. My H and I also spoke about this and he said that he is sometimes jealous of how I can walk in a room full of strangers and completely own that room by just being me. I think it is too hard to try and be someone you are not, my mask always slips off within 10 minutes.
The mask my husband wore with me was one thing but the one he wore at work was just unbelievable, so difficult to accept because he was trying to belong and fit in an environment with people that are so very well………morally bankrupt, the very people he was trying to fit in with, had our son tried fitting in with the same variety of people he would be sitting down with him and having a discussion.

I know one thing for sure though, I hope my H has burned that mask because if he dare to ever dust it off and try it back on for size he’ll be kissing my fine arse goodbye.

Well, knowing you understand these things -maladaptive versus deceitful, I suspect that while you are overwhelmed with how to process it, it’s probably just a matter of time and integration.

These new insights can be jarring, but when they ring truthful and you can see and understand the changes, this will bring healing to you. The reason reconciliation is a marathon is there is so much of this type of processing. It sounds like your husband is doing an incredible job from his side- and I know you are as well. Over time, when there becomes less and less processing to do, the good days stretch into more days, then weeks, and so forth. It’s a natural progression.

You will be ever forget what has happened of course, but healing to me means that you can begin to feel safe to have the higher vibrational feelings.

Bruce I get what you say, you didn’t get what I meant.

The ego is what I call the mask, not the social mask but the idealized projection of yourself as.

Perhaps there’s a better definition for it, mask is what I came up with in my own words. It’s so ingrained in us that oftentimes you just accept it as the manifestation of your true self, while it is not, is a projection of what we idealize we should be.

Think about it: if you got rid of your ego you wouldn’t ever feel like "too much" you simply would not care because you is you. Not too much, not too less, just right how you were meant to be.

What you say is you are genuine, open and spontaneous. I believe that, you can be very natural and still present your ego.

The social mask is another layer, a conscious performance, there is nothing at the conscious level about the ego, it runs deeper and it’s not easy to spot the first time.

But you can feel it, and here is the key: if you feel the change in your husband that’s his ego / mask cracking. And you know is deeper than the deceitful mask he was intentionally wearing when he was cheating, that fell fast. This is the true battle and only him can crack it open.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 6:25 PM, Thursday, April 9th]

Backfromthestorm,

I see now thank you.

My H once said to me that if there was a movie of our marriage then he would think of himself as a disgrace, a disgusting POS and he’s shocked that he told himself that he was a good man.

When he’s described the mental things at the time of the A, it honestly sounds like mental torture to me, the lies he had to tell himself etc. one thing I remember he said, when she would offer him something and he’d turn her down he used that as a justification that he was still a good man, sort of a ‘see!, I didn’t do that and I could have so I’m still a good man’.

At the same time he was reflecting the other day he mentioned that he’s so ashamed and disgusted with himself now that he doesn’t know how it will feel in a few years time because it’s really bad, he called himself a monster and I stopped him there. He’s not a monster.

I agree that ego is the root of many affairs.

The more my H climbed the corporate ladder, the more I noticed little things. For one, he stopped communicating on a deeper level with me. Not sure why but I just saw it happen. Right at about the time of his first EA.

It then became easier to find substitutes to talk to (as in other women).

At the point of affair 2, he was convinced I didn’t love him, need him and he was being taken for granted. Now this was all some crap he made up in his mind to justify his affair. We were not having any marital issues or serious problems in life.

It was his own personal choice to cheat as he claimed he was unhappy for 2 years

Actually this was such a typical midlife crisis affair it’s laughable. He wasn’t unhappy until he met the OW. He was the KISA (knight in shining armor) lol.

It’s hard to reconcile the person he was during the affair with the person he was after (and before). I know he regrets all of it.

But knowing someone is capable of sneaky and underhanded behavior is very hard to deal with and get past. I know I have some PTSD as a result of it. It is hard not to.

I now live with a few new "rules". Always have a plan B in life. Always have your own $. And maintain your own friends separate and apart from your couple friends.

You did well in stopping him.

Your wayward partner is not a monster.
They are actually damaged people, people we deeply love, and that’s something that moves you to a lot of empathy for them, and will to help them feel better and heal.

…if only we weren’t wounded by them so deeply it would be easier.

But knowing someone is capable of sneaky and underhanded behavior is very hard to deal with and get past. I know I have some PTSD as a result of it. It is hard not

Wife ptsd is consequence of the attachment wound.
I can tell you that you can get a point where you heal from that completely.
There will always be the memory but you can regain your center fully, and will be harder to shake.

1st wife,

We weren’t having any problems at all either, infact we were an absolutely amazing team at the time, working together to complete this house, we were of course tired and stressed but we were there for each other and we’ve always gotten along, completely bounce off each others humour. At times I remember he was grumpy with me for no reason but it would only last a couple of weeks, then he’d be ok. When we were doing the fencing in the garden he took 10 days off work and he looked like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders, I remember asking him if he was ok, told me he was just tired. Right about that time I noticed his communication with me was ‘off’ too, he also started drinking, every day after work he’d drink a few beers (I’d get on at him for this as I didn’t like it especially since we are not drinkers, only on occasions), he was added to the work group chat and would sometimes come home from work and start talking pics of his drink on the table or what he was watching in TV (I put a stop to that, he left the group), he seemed to become immature, but on and off and I was always the bad guy.

I don’t know what type of affair it was, it was pathetic really, on and off, I think he just seemed to lose himself in his work environment with a bunch of losers and bought himself a season ticket, I too know he regrets all of it.

Backfromthestorm

I think one of the hardest things for me to accept is that I’m damaged too but I didn’t destroy the person I love more than anything. Lots of people have childhood trauma and they don’t go through life causing more pain because they know what that’s like, I’m still trying to figure out why some people try to be better and why some just seem to self sabotage.
In therapy a few sessions in, our therapist asked if we could talk about our childhood, she said did either one of you have a difficult childhood?, my husband volunteered ‘my wife had a terribly abusive childhood’, I looked over to him astonished!, she asked and you?, I said he’d have done much better if he’d have been raised by the chimps in London zoo.
It’s not very nice to witness your H realise that he’s been victim to some unspeakable cruelty and neglect.

It is not easy to understand because from our perspective and experience the betrayal caused so much pain and devastation that the only logical explanation for this, is that our wayward partner truly hates us and rejoices in inflicting upon us more pain than any sadistic psychopath would be comfortable to inflict to their victims.

That is the story our shattered identity and nervous system tells us because it simply cannot make sense of it all.
That and the devaluation of your self, that you deserve it, you are not enough, etc. because paradoxically it will still protect the person you love, your cheater while you’re hurting. At least until you begin healing and processing, then you start seeing and putting the accountability where it truly belongs.

But that’s our side of the coin, our perspective after relational shock.

The wayward side is a side of anxiety, void, insecurity, performance and fantasy of validation that will fill the void. Sometimes feeling unworthy to seek help from their partner and finding easier solace into the AP, another broken person that reflects this.

There might be no intentional malice in this, the wayward betrayal demands that they betray themselves too, while they move into betraying us.

This feeling lingers inside them, wether they bring it to the surface of consciousness or they cope by indulging in cheating patterns that can never fill the void, is upon the individual person.

I doubt it is generated from hate. It’s very likely not even completely independent from who we are or how we are in our relationship with them. Is a wound they carry since long, that they choose to make rot instead of facing and healing it.

And all and everyone who surrounds them, will be drag into this chaos