SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have been no contact with my father for about 8 years. We haven't been close since he cheated on my mother, and while I didn't cut him out immediately, I certainly viewed him in a worse light and kept only sporadic contact. Naturally, when I went through my own personal instance of betrayal, it soured my view of him even further. I eventually stopped all communication and haven't spoken to him in nearly a decade.

Last week I was at my mother’s for dinner and he showed up out of the blue. My mother and father have always remained on fairly amicable terms, despite me and one of my sisters cutting him off. He had stopped by to drop off presents for my other sister’s upcoming baby shower, as she is the only one who keeps contact. The encounter was incredibly strange. I am generally a fairly combative and outspoken person, but the shock left me feeling nothing but intense awkwardness. He was very happy to see me and attempted to shake my hand and hug me. I was mid-meal and could barely look at him. He pulled up a chair and started asking about my life. He’d heard I was getting married later this year and insisted he wanted to put some money toward the wedding. Either because of the shock or the sheer discomfort of the moment, I stayed cordial, thanked him for the offer, and we exchanged numbers before he left.

Now I am left with a major moral dilemma. Would it be hypocritical to take his money? It is not that I strictly need it, but it would certainly make the day nicer and relieve an ounce of stress. He wouldn't be expecting an invitation as we are eloping anyway, so there is no worry about a forced obligation to have him there. It is just an internal conflict. Part of me feels like I should take the money because he is my father and I am due some form of reparations for his past behavior. The other part of me feels like I should refuse it on principle because he shouldn't be allowed to buy his way into being any part of my life or my wedding. I am struggling with whether this is a case of "take what you're owed" or if taking it compromises my integrity after being no contact for so long. What would you do?

If I remember correctly, you’re not in my camp as a Christian. As one who seeks to live with a Biblical worldview, I would consider receiving the cash as a means of honoring your father, while in no way condoning anything else. You know him best, so perhaps ask yourself if he’d interpret such acceptance as you signaling a desire for reconciliation. In other words, why not?

Taking the money potentially opens the door (from his point of view) to further involvement and communication - maybe not an invitation to the wedding, but he might see it as a more general opportunity. Is that something you want?

Having read many of your other posts, I think you like to act on principles, not feelings. In the long run, my instinct says that you will retain the high ground in your relationship with him if you refuse the money. That is the more principled stand.

If you'd rather work on forgiving him and you want to open the door to further contact with him, then by all means take the money.

@gr8ful

​You are correct; I am a card-carrying atheist. I don't subscribe to any inherent moral obligation to "honor my father" just because of the biological tie. I believe in honoring those who treat me well. In this case, he destroyed our family unit and my connections with my extended family, so in my eyes, he is owed no honor.

​I have no desire or intention to reconcile with him. While I suspect he knows that me taking the money won't magically open that door, I do worry that he will internally interpret this as a form of forgiveness—which I am absolutely not willing to give. My motivation is simple: I want the money so I can have a slightly more extravagant day than I would otherwise. That is the beginning and end of it.

@NoThanksForTheMemories

​I think you hit the nail on the head. I feel conflicted because taking the money doesn't sit right with my principles. I can try to frame it as a "tax" I’m owed for having an absent father to alleviate my concerns, but I’m struggling with whether that’s a genuine justification or just a rationalization because I want to have my cake and eat it too. I'm trying to figure out if the benefit of the extra cash is worth the feeling that I’ve compromised my own boundaries.

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 11:14 PM, Thursday, April 9th]

So... I've been here too.

If you're asking this question, well you and I don't have a typical father/child relationship where the answer to that question is an obvious "Yes, of course you should! It's a gift. It's your father. Why wouldn't you?".

You are highly introspective and intelligent. You know him and you know the relationship. You are insightful. Do you want to do this? I think you know what happens next with him. No one here does. I don't. Can you handle it and the consequences? How will you feel? Will you be ok? There's nothing wrong with your decision either way. You know that.

Congratulations on your marriage. Best wishes!

Would it be hypocritical to take his money?

Absolutely. Of that, I have no doubt.

That's not why I'm replying on your thread, however.

I understand your anger. Although my father never admitted it to me, I'm fairly certain he cheated on my mother. I've had plenty of reasons to be angry with him aside from that. I didn't speak with him for a couple of years when I was in my early twenties.

Over the decades since, however, I have made my peace with him. Actually, I should say that I've made my peace with myself.

My father passed away two weeks ago. I already miss him and always will.

I don't know what other grievances you have with him, if any. Perhaps he was also terribly cruel to you as well. You haven't mentioned that. If that's the case, then I would certainly understand and support the distance.

However, if his infidelity is the only reason you keep the distance, then I would say that your problem isn't with him, but with you.

Nothing will ever change the fact that he is your father. From what you have shared, it seems rather clear that he wants to reestablish a relationship with you. Holding on to your resentment may hurt him, but from my own experience, I'd say that you're also hurting yourself.

From what I've seen of your posts here, I think you'll be happier in the long run if you turn it down.

I have been trying to think about this, because I’m also estranged from my father.

On the "take the money side", I’d think he owes me (like you said). I’d also think that if I said "no" he’d have a narrative like "I keep trying with Frank but he keeps rejecting any overture I try". That’d be true.

On the no side, I’d mostly think (as you did) money is not going to fix what you did, and taking it might somehow be an endorsement, or some kind of indication of intentions I don’t have.

I don’t see any hypocrisy in taking the money. I think I know what you’re gettin at, but for me that wouldn’t be the right word. I’d mostly feel like saying yes would be misleading him.

The last thing, and why I’d probably say yes. I’ve been estranged from my dad for like 20 years. I’m pretty mad at him. Not actively, but underneath it all. He shredded his life and part of that was our relationship. Even though he won’t do what it takes to fix it, I know it hurts him. And if he offered me money for my wedding and I said no, it’d hurt him more, and doing that would make me sad. I’d probably take the money.

Have you chosen to never forgive your father or do you hold out hope that one day you can reconcile? If you will never want R, then turn down the money. I can understand taking that stand because what he did was dishonorable. Though, it is interesting that the person who he betrayed, your mother, seems to have found a way to abide him. Have you asked your mother how she feels about the gift? Is he remorseful? Does he accept responsibility? Is this his way to open a reconciliation process? Or is he just trying to buy affection? If you would like to find a way to abide him, then accept the money and tell him what he needs to do to start to repair the damage that he did to your family. Turning down the money will likely close the door. Is that what you want? Look deep inside and find your answers.

@KitchenDepth5551
Thank you for the kind words and the well wishes. You’re right that I’m prone to over-analyzing the "why" behind my actions. I think I can handle the consequences of either choice, but the "consequence" I’m most concerned about is my own internal monologue. I don’t want to look back at my wedding photos and see a dress or a venue upgrade that feels like it was paid for with my integrity. I appreciate the validation that there isn’t a "wrong" choice here—just a choice of which version of myself I want to live with.

@Unhinged
I appreciate the bluntness. You’re likely right; there is a level of hypocrisy in taking money from someone I claim to want nothing to do with. Regarding your point about my "problem" being with me—I’d argue it’s a matter of boundaries, not just resentment.

To clarify, the infidelity wasn't a vacuum; it was the catalyst that revealed a lack of character I found irreconcilable. This is my argument with cheaters generally. I fundamentally do not believe good people cheat. When a cheater risks then actually does split and entire family even more so. I basically lost contact with the entirety of his side of the family off the back of this, that was painful as I was close to my grandmother, aunt and cousins. We used to go around my grandmothers, the whole extended family, every Friday. It really kept everyone together. This whole situation killed that unity. I’m truly sorry for the loss of your father, and I’m glad you found peace before he passed. However, I’m not sure "peace" for me looks like reconciliation. For me, peace has been the eight years of silence. The question is can I keep the peace and have a nicer wedding?

@BraveSirRobin
Short, sweet, and probably the most accurate prediction of my long-term psychology. I think you're right. The "hangover" of taking the money would likely last much longer than the wedding day itself. If it was only my day at play, I would turn it down in a heart beat but it isn't. I want my soon to be wife to have the most extravagant day she can and equally don't want my stubbornness to get in the way of that.

@Letmebefrank
"Misleading him"—that’s a very grounding way to put it. Even if I tell him "this doesn't change anything," the act of taking a significant gift is a social signal. I don't particularly care about hurting his feelings though, so kind of a moot point, but I do care about being clear. I appreciate you sharing your own struggle with your dad; it helps to know others are weighing that same "reparations vs. endorsement" scale.

@Notsogreatexpectations
To answer your questions: No, I don’t hold out hope for reconciliation. I’ve been quite content without him. I do take exception where you say ' person who he betrayed, your mother, seems to have found a way to abide him' - he did not just betray my mother, he betrayed the whole family. My older sister sees it this way too and has likewise cut him off.

My mother’s ability to remain amicable is more about her own temperament—she’s a "keep the peace" person, whereas I’m a "burn the bridge if it’s rotten" person.

She has encouraged me to take the money and stated it doesn't mean anything. Basically she's pragmatically stating, why not? Have the best day you can. As for his remorse, I don't believe he's remorseful about a single thing for a single moment of his life. He’s "happy to see me" because he has never been a deep thinker. I imagine never introspected a moment of his life. He's like a shark, I he just keeps moving and never considers the past, what he's done or who he's hurt. It's almost as if he can't understand holding on to something. Like every day is a new day with a clean slate. It's bizarre. Taking the money and then giving him a "to-do list" for repair feels like a job I didn't apply for and don't want. If turning down the money closes the door for good, then that might actually be the most honest outcome for both of us.

Many years ago, I worked in a supermarket part-time while I was at college. A girl there described a situation where one of the guys who worked there asked her out on a date. She was not sure, so she asked her brother if she should go. He immediately said, "No". She asked him why, if he knew something bad about the guy, etc. Her brother said he knew nothing about the guy, but if she was conflicted enough that she had to ask him, then it was obvious she shouldn't go on the date.

On one level, that was an everyday, unimportant little scenario, but on the other it contains a profound lesson about listening to our inner voice. And I get the same feeling about your wedding cash dilemma. It just does not sit right with you. So based on that, I would recommend a 'thanks, but no thanks' response. It seems like something that will always bother you, and it could compromise your future capacity to have limited contact. Kind of, "I won't talk to him, but I'll take his money". If you take the money, may you feel compelled to 'play nice', when at heart you want the agency to keep your distance?

Honestly, my gut feeling is that if it doesn't sit right with you, don't take the money. It is lovely that you want the big day to be as wonderful as possible for your wife, but I am sure she would not want you to pay for it with a sense that you have compromised your core values. The day will be wonderful for both of you, because of what it is. Sure, it's nice to have a great venue, to have a band, etc, etc, but under all the razzamatazz, ultimately it is about you and your wife. The rest is a bonus, not an essential.

Whatever you choose, I wish you well, and I hope you and your bride-to-be have a a great wedding and life together. You deserve it.

Gut reaction:

Seems like an attempt of your father to reconnect with you, this being a pretext.

Fells like you are not feeling comfortable with this, because you likely see right through it.

Before accepting you need to address this emotion and get clarity.
You had the pitch, this might be a chance to sit down, absorb it and see if you feel like giving yourself and your dad a second chance.

Then you will have the clear answer.

I care not about if it’s moral or whatever.
Asking for that is requesting external validation, so I will not offer you any.

I care you follow your emotional pilot because after all this is all that matters, not any feedback a random me could offer you.

And I believe this is the true question behind your post.
You have been heard.

I basically lost contact with the entirety of his side of the family off the back of this, that was painful as I was close to my grandmother, aunt and cousins. We used to go around my grandmothers, the whole extended family, every Friday. It really kept everyone together. This whole situation killed that unity.

Why? What does your father's infidelity have to do with your relationship with them?

Long story but it came to my father's side of the family throwing my mother under the bus out of loyalty and that I could not abide. Not directly on my father but ultimately he led to the situation.

** Member to Member **

I'm sorry your father cheated and abandoned you. I wish you great happiness with your M.

I basically lost contact with the entirety of his side of the family off the back of this, that was painful as I was close to my grandmother, aunt and cousins.

Painful? That's not 'logical'.

You want to believe life is choosing between black and white, but life is full of color, with innumerable shades, innumerable intensities, innumerable mixtures, innumerable textures - and all the gradations of gray.

You acknowledge emotions with words, but you pretend they don't affect you or your decision-making..

This is a question about what you want. You've got a complex collection of competing desires. The more you take your wants into account, the happier you'll be with your decision.

How has choosing to "divorce" yourself from your father and his family improved your life?

I see it as an improvement any time I disassociate with morally repugnant people.

While cheating is repugnant and wrong and it certainly makes the WS bad at that time, it certainly doesn’t mean they’re irredeemable. You only have to read here for proof of that. Someone doesn’t have to be defined by their worst acts. Certainly if it’s a continued pattern of behavior, then yeah they’ll probably always be a shit person. But many of us WS learn from our bad decisions and can change.

Which brings me to my question. I know you haven’t had contact yourself but you must have heard about your dad over the years. Has he changed? Perhaps he has. I’m not suggesting that you take his money, especially if it doesn’t feel right.

If he has changed, what do you have to lose by opening the door ever so slightly? Sure you may never be buddy buddy but it may be worth it to stick your toe in the water and see how things go.