SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Married 26 years. Kids are grown up. Wife has been deeply devoted to me. The last 4 years she has grown close to her male cousin in another state. He's a good dude. I love that she is so connected to him instead of her usual friends/family. It's something new. But something is off. When they embrace it's a long, deep, intimate hug that everyone notices. When they start texting, she blocks out the world and has the most loving look on her face, as if she's in love with the person she's texting. And it goes on for hours. When we go to visit, she's up until 3am just the 2 of them. She's normally in bed by 830. When he steps out to smoke, she joins him. She doesn't smoke otherwise. She will look right through me to see him. When we visit, she will start blowing his phone up trying to find out where he is and why he hasn't come over yet. I'm talking a dozen calls/texts by noon. I feel like an absolute outcast. She notices noone else. I can't get her attention b/c she's locked in with him. Her eyes don't leave him when he's in the room. They make sexual jokes and use terminology that my wife DOES NOT say ever, especially publicly. Not even with me. She's private and modest, but when he's in the room she uses language unnatural to who she is. I have called her out and she acts like i'm stupid. Claims i have an issue with her being close to someone else. Claims that i'm just jealous and suggesting something with her cousin is gross and insane. I don't think she's physically intimate with him, at all. But it still feels like an affair. I'm not the jealous type at all. She has guy friends, i've spent 26 years watching her take the day off to hang out with her male BFF when he's in town. So calling me jealous is inaccurate. But this is different. Seeing past me and not hearing me or noticing me in the same room b/c she's so infatuated with him. If this is not cheating, what is it? Am i crazy?

I don’t know what it is, but sounds pretty weird. It certainly has some of the hallmarks of an affair.

Have you read her texts with him? If you asked to, what would she say?

Did you mention that other people notice their inappropriate hugging?

I think it’s a red flag that when you expressed your concern she DARVO’d you.

What is DARVO'd? As for her texts, i looked at her texts (we have access to each others phones) and saw that she wrote him a handwritten letter and was waiting on him to write her back. Apparently that letter arrived a couple of days ago b/c her text to him said "i received your letter, it was riveting." I have not asked her about it yet. I'm hoping to find that letter, but it's nowhere to be found. She does not think she's doing anything wrong. She sees nothing wrong with the sexual jokes/comments b/c it was just them being funny. She doesn't believe that she's infatuated with him. To the point i even leaned over and put my face between him/her while they were staring from across the room. When i got between them she never broke concentration, she just simply elevated her neck to see over my shoulder. She doesn't believe me when i tell her about her actions and how drastic they are.

DARVO stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. It’s a manipulative way for people to dodge being held accountable.

You may want to try to see if any texts were deleted. Writing handwritten letters is quite something. I would definitely try to see what he wrote her.

There’s a book called "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. You might want to ask her to read it. I can see how hard it would be to get her to do it though, it’s such a tricky situation with him being her cousin - however, affairs with cousins happen, unfortunately. I mean, I can’t imagine she’d ever admit to having a crush on a family member.

I don’t know, maybe film her the next time she’s with him so she can see what it looks like?

I have thought about filming them and showing her. He's also coming for a visit in 2 weeks and she has taken several days off. So i've thought about finding a way to record my living room. I get sick even typing that out. I've never questioned her or had a need to. But their behavior transcends anything i've ever seen. We drove the 10 hour drive home last year from seeing him and his brother/sister/mom, and my wife was crashed out most of the drive. Then slept when she got home. Of course she would, she was up until 3am each night for 4 nights. When i talked to her about the behavior and then sleeping the entire drive she says "i don't have the energy to always be like i am with him. I only see him a couple of times/year and i want to let my guard down and just have fun. I don't do that any other time. I don't have the energy to be silly and joke about sex all the time." Them being alone in the house while i'm 40 miles away at work....I have brought up the sexual comments and talked about how she doesn't even use that language with me, when i've begged her for 26 years to not be so bottled up and private. Yet she used that language with him. To be clear, her cousin hasn't done anything abnormal. He addresses the room, scans the room, talks to everyone, and the language he uses is language that he always uses. My wife is the one that is fixated and different.

Yeah. Just regular friendships don’t include secret letters.

You might have to set up a bunch of hidden cameras, and not just in the living room.

Is anyone coming with the cousin, or is he the only one visiting?

Hello, sawyer. I'm not sure I'd say this is an EA (emotional affair) for the singular reason that this is your wife's (first?) cousin. I'd imagine she's comfortable with that safety. Still, I think I'd find the intensity of the relationship equally disconcerting.

I suspect that this new level of connection might be a sign of a mid-life crisis? Are you recently empty-nesters? Maybe she's looking to fill a void of some sort in her life?

I think in your shoes I'd sit down with her, express your concerns and ask her what's behind it all. It's not easy to be so vulnerable with anyone, even a spouse of 26 years.

This is definitely one of those situations where you're going to want cameras in place. Get something small that can be easily hidden but still give you remote access. Place them in key places, like living room or bedroom. Then before he comes over, tell her days in advance that you have some sort of plans that will have you away the entire day. Make sure it's believable. Then disappear for the day. You can even watch the cameras in realtime if you'd like. But based on personal experience, that kind of stress is pretty disabling, and watching it live would have your anxiety through the roof.

I suggest planting cameras, have an alibi to be away for a LONG period of time, and then see what transpired while you were gone. Best if it isn't period week, because then you'll see what true intentions exist.

Yes this is a 1st cousin, but not someone she was ever in close proximity to. Even now he is still 10 hrs away. We've been empty nesters a few years and yes there is a ton of stress in our lives, however she has an amazing support cast. Her sister is a few minutes away and they talk daily. Her co-workers are always doing things for her. She meets with HS friends every couple of weeks for a girls night out. So she doesn't need her cousin as much as you think. Seeing her texting him, you'd think she was a 15 y/o girl that just started talking to her crush. The world passes her by and she never flinches. She has a look of ecstasy on her face. I can capture the living room and the door to the master bedroom and the hallway to the spare rooms, all with 1 camera. There would be zero reason for him to go into the master BR or her to go into the spare room he's staying in, and he will be coming alone. I leave for the gym at 6am, then go to work 40 miles away and get home at 430pm every weekday. So i don't need to tell her a convincing story. 10 hrs together with me 40 miles away for 4 days while he's at my home. I have been vulnerable with her, expressing my concern. She shuts me down. They "have a connection" and i'm "just jealous."

So she can let her guard down and exchange sexual innuendo with her cousin but not you even though you've asked? This is dismissive IMO.

Just a thought, if he/she finds the camera there will be hell to pay.

I agree this is an odd situation. Who writes hand written letters these days, especially to a 1st cousin? I would ask to read it. There shouldn't be any secrets between spouses. Her refusal would be a red flag for me

I have been vulnerable with her, expressing my concern. She shuts me down. They "have a connection" and i'm "just jealous."

That's unfortunate. Telling you that you're being "just jealous" is defensive, dismissive, deflective, and a shadey bit of gas-lighting. I think you might want to call her out on that.

Too many 🚩🚩🚩.

You have a right to be suspicious as she is acting like a typical cheater.

If nothing has happened she’s hoping something will happen. All the signs point to her "infatuation" with him.

The hugs are the most disturbing.

How do I know? These are all the warning signs I had with my H’s 4 year EA OW who pretended to be my friend. I was not bothered by anything until I overheard a conversation she had with her friend and I then realized she wasn’t "just a friend". She wanted waaay more.

And acted like your wife with the typical behavior. 🚩🚩

[This message edited by The1stWife at 12:37 AM, Tuesday, July 14th]

Look up Genetic Sexual Attraction (GSA). It's usually found with siblings raised apart but apparently it can extend to first cousins who have not been in contact for a long stretch. Just a thought.

The hugs are bad, she melts into him and closes her eyes and drinks it in. But I can tolerate that better than I can tolerate her looking through me and not engaging me at all. And i definitely can’t ignore the sexual comments and jokes. Since she finds that language obnoxious and immature around me. I’m not convinced she wants sex with him. She’s been too loyal to me and is too private. I think it’s something else but I don’t know what. I’ve considered it being an emotional affair. But doesn’t check all the boxes. Whatever it’s called to be infatuated with someone to the point of changing your bed time, start smoking, start making sexual comments, and give 98% of all attention to 1 person.

Sawyer, I recently started a thread about the importance of trusting our instincts in this forum. Scroll down a bit and you'll see it. If your instincts are screaming at you then I suggest that you trust them before it's too late.

I made that mistake many years ago and while I don't kick myself in the ass for today, I truly wish I could go back in time and smack myself upside the head.

Now, I'm not saying that this relationship between your wife and her cousin could turn physical. We're hardwired by evolution to avoid that. Still, if it happens while you're away, watching it on these cameras you plan to install... well, brother, I'd certainly recommend you do whatever you can to ensure that shit doesn't occur.

Too many 🚩🚩🚩.

You have a right to be suspicious as she is acting like a typical cheater.

If nothing has happened she’s hoping something will happen. All the signs point to her "infatuation" with him.

The hugs are the most disturbing.

How do I know? These are all the warning signs I had with my H’s 4 year EA OW who pretended to be my friend. I was not bothered by anything until I overheard a conversation she had with her friend and I then realized she wasn’t "just a friend". She wanted waaay more.

And acted like your wife with the typical behavior. 🚩🚩

Check, check and check.

Absolutely agree, not a comfortable situation that she uses incest as a tool to shield herself from her incestuous infatuation with her cousin.

Shame working with the plainly obvious as a shield 🛡️ against your calling out is a form of gaslighting.

"You wouldn’t seriously think that I am cheating on you darling? That would be crazy!"

Replace with

"You wouldn’t seriously think I am having sex with my cousin darling? That would be crazy!"

Look up Genetic Sexual Attraction (GSA). It's usually found with siblings raised apart but apparently it can extend to first cousins who have not been in contact for a long stretch. Just a thought.

For how gross it may feel to anyone (understandably) there’s always a level of sexual attraction even among relatives.

Oedipus / Electra complex while old describe the kind of fascination that everyone develop while they grow up and contribute to form their sexuality.
In a healthy way it’s not perhaps as far reaching as that theory suggests, but it’s a natural thing that helps forming the templates for sexual attraction.

The family of origin can really mess up a person during their formative years, also in sexual behaviors because in part we pick them up from them.

And that doesn’t mean that a person has to go through incest with mom/dad/bro/sys/aunt/uncle/ cousins etc, in healthy people that feels repulsive because is nature’s way to keep our genes safe from inbreeding. Not because it’s impossible or the body doesn’t respond sexually to relative’s sexual charge, uncomfortably it does as it does respond to any other human that is attractive to the person sexuality.

It is a fail safe against genetic dead end —> inbreeding.

That’s why we almost universally find it repulsive.
Nevertheless it does happen.

I can’t tell you how dark the rabbit hole goes on that crap, I just speculate that it’s more commonly happening between more distant relatives than with your parents or brothers/ sisters.

Though it does happen between parents and children or siblings. So there’s that, even if it’s sickening and hopefully rare.
Scratch that too or take it with a pinch of salt, there have been inbreed dynasties spanning centuries in our history. Not only the Hapsburg had "the chin".

Why I do sense the cousin thing is more common?
Because it’s sanctioned by law.

Depending on which country you’re legally allowed to marry your cousin. In Europe it’s usually down the second or third degree, some places allow the first degree marriage. I believe marriage between brothers and sisters or parents/children is universally banned across cultures, but I might be wrong.

If something goes down the book of law, chances are it is fairly common to bang your cousin, at least more common than your brother/sister.

Uncomfortable but probably not as rare as we’d like to think.

The hugs are bad, she melts into him and closes her eyes and drinks it in. But I can tolerate that better than I can tolerate her looking through me and not engaging me at all. And i definitely can’t ignore the sexual comments and jokes. Since she finds that language obnoxious and immature around me. I’m not convinced she wants sex with him.

Friend I do hope you are right, however I feel like your guts tell you a different story.

I won’t tell you the number of girls I had, just that is significant. The game rule of seduction is pretty simple:
A woman’s body craves sex with you and responds sexually to you even before her mind realizes it or even thinks about it.

It’s emotional first. The body starts responding, initiating touch, prolonging it, finding ways to find you.

One of the best signs to guess when she is ready to flip on her back and allow you to ease her from her panties, is a prolonged hug.

It is very reliable. End the meeting at his high, hug for a goodbye and feel how she hugs you. If it’s prolonged couple of seconds more, if she is gently squeezing you, if she is very close body to body with yours enough to feel her breathing, then that’s it.

Next meeting can very easily be set straight to a room with a bed, she will take any excuse you might invent for inviting her into a bedroom where you are both alone.
She will be excited about it.

I doubt this is a shocker to anyone, I am sure you all had it before since you had at least a partner.

I am not saying that your wife fucked her cousin, I hope not.

What’s obvious to me is that is openly sexually attracted behavior.
Two sexually adult people feeling their bodies through (inconvenient) clothing and indulging in it.

The rest is a corollary, don’t underestimate the hug. There’s a reason you feel sick in your stomach.

Whether they did have intercourse or didn’t yet, is another story and frankly at this point, irrelevant.

If one of my female cousins were to ever hug me the same way, I would instinctively pull back.
Ia hug among relatives can be closer and you can hold your cousin but it must be the "comfort" kind of closeness, not the sexual one.

The guy is not pulling back from her, so he doesn’t seem at all discouraged about the idea to fuck his cousin.

In front of you nonetheless.

I say your concern are at the very least grounded, too many red flags 🚩 as wife put it.

I am sorry you have to go through this.
You have been heard.

If a man does not Lean Forward at the waist when hugging a family member in order to keep his pelvis away from her there is a problem, a huge problem. If both people are perfectly vertical pressed up against each other and are family? Huge red flag

Have you considered reaching out to him and telling him that his behavior is unacceptable and telling him everything you want stopped? Since your wife is dismissing your concerns which is a huge problem in itself reaching out to him maybe your next step. Tell him family members should not be acting this way with each other and you're not going to tolerate it

But the more important conversation is the one you need to have with your wife about her behavior with him and the way she dismisses your concerns. Ask her why she can do these things with a cousin but not the man she is married to

What would happen if you were to walk up to your wife and say I need to see your phone? Do you think she would give it to you? Or would she say no or would she ask why? There should be no secrets in a marriage and if one refuses to let the other look at their phone or email or social media it's a pretty good sign they are acting in a way that is not conducive to a marriage

"You have been heard" has meant alot to me. All of the responses here are valuable. Hiding behind the fact that he is a cousin that she has a connection with, definitely makes it challenging for me. It does seem crazy that she could have feelings for him. However, it also happens. Yes i would be shocked if they were physically intimate. I would bet my house on it that she hasn't and won't. But this "connection" she has with him is deep and her actions/words/expressions cut deep. Seeing a grown ass mature woman melt into someones arms....seeing the facial expressions while texting him....becoming unrecognizable when shes around him as she puts on an eccentric over-the-top personality...looking through me and never taking her eyes off him when he's in the room...a willingness to make sexual innuendo's that otherwise are NEVER made. It's all too much. Physical contact or not, this is a form of an affair, i just don't know what to call it. What the term for it is, except inappropriate. To which i was told "your just being jealous and you're better than that."

You know, I wonder if this might be a decent use case for MC. Right now, your wife (a) knows this is bothering your, but (b) does not want to stop because she likes her cousin too much and (c) can’t defend it other then by turning it around and making you out to be the problem.

Marriage counseling would put a neutral 3rd party in the conversation. It’s one thing when it’s just you two talking, but if some safe, 3rd person hears what’s going on and even validates your feelings, that might be able to break her down a little bit. I am sure it will be very awkward for her, which may be just what she needs.