SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Lately I've been doing very well, but my last IC visit had me falling apart. Just all of it for so long has been so overwhelming and I've tried so hard to be strong for myself. Still, I tried to figure it out and talk through it. My XWH is in my dreams and I have awoken frightened. He was not physically abusive, but I was scared of him being physically abusive. While unpacking items in my new home, some things have been triggering. And, then I'm spiraling. My IC gave me some ideas to calm myself, which I have tried and they seem to be helping.

I remember collapsing in a weepy heap because I couldn't find my damn cheese grater after moving into my apartment. I was on the phone with my contractor, who had become a family friend, and I was a blubbering mess.

Triggers can come outta nowhere. A temporary scrip for Ativan saved my bacon.

Hugs and onward.

FF

Thank you FF. Two months without sharing space in our marital home - after almost 50 years of having him - my XWH - in my life still feels weird. Like when I was talking on the phone today with one of my adult children, who mentioned him and referred to him as my X. What? This distracted me from our conversation for a minute. Oh yeah. I'm divorced since October last year. And, the love of my life is my X. Then I get on that spiral of who I thought he was and who he became. Or, maybe that's who he really was all along. How handsome he is/was, how much I loved him. And, how awful he treated me. Why did I keep choosing him. Ugh. Why am I thinking about him at all. I'm very good here without the man who could have showed me that he loved me everyday of those almost 50 years, but didn't. Then I realize that I haven't totally worked through it all yet. He left our marriage about 40 years ago for the sex workers when we were pregnant with our first. WHO does that? It possibly went on like that for five years, and/or longer then that, but I'll never know for sure, but I do know that we were different during and after that. He was never the same after that. I remember thinking that after he quit the cocaine, maybe WE could still be happy after that. If I leave him now then I might have regrets for never trying. I was wrong then. My gut told me the truth about his cheating and lying then. He was treating me badly then. He was rather arrogant, not a loving attentive husband. I had every reason to leave then. The correct thought should have been that I could be happy again without him. I NOT WE. And, that is because I am happier now without him. It can be done! But I can't have regrets as my children have been my greatest joy. They are all loving and wonderful. We were blessed with all of them.
Recently I pulled out my instrument and played and played. I'm ok right now. Ok and doing great without him. That was JUST a trigger and there will be more of them. I got myself through all that sh*t that he brought to our marriage and I can get myself through the damn triggers too. Thanks to my Savior (Christ Jesus), my children, and all of you.

Beautiful Update! You show us how it's possible!

Re-reading it I could feel the shock if your child referred to their father as "your X." Yet they were likely trying to soften the mention of him, and didn't mean to shock you. It's said that when we hear things said back to us, we actually can process those things differently than when we just think those things. That is a good example of it.

Remember old Mary Magdalene...like so many of us, she spent a lot of time looking for Love in all the wrong places.

It's the middle of the night and I woke up and can't get back to sleep. Thoughts of everything swirling in my head, how it happened, how could he, who is he, how it is so much better here away from him, whoever he is. I've read the other posts that mention how it takes a few years for real peace and happiness. I'm only months in with a couple years to go yet. So I pray and distract myself during these moments of reflection about all the years with him. How did I get through that? It was so much worse. Maybe I shouldn't be mad at him. Maybe that was the best he could be. Nothing really about me. That's what he is. So scary,so hard is life with him.
Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda is not a good place to dwell in the middle of the night. In a few hours I know that I will wake and feel blessed to be here in this peaceful place. I love my life here.

The day will come when you will find yourself and only think about yourself, forgetting about the broken mess of a man who hurt you because he couldn't stand up on his feet.

It doesn't need to be years, it does need a switch in focus.
When your emotions will stop searching for him, and will begin searching for icangetpastthis

That's the moment where you will gotpastthis, sister. The day you find and retrieve the lost you , and fall in love with the beauty of your inner world again.

The misery of his is not worth your time.