SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is her issue. The only thing you can do is say how you feel. But even with what you said I would not change my advice. The woman has to work on herself and while it may seem weak the way she is worried you will find someone else it’s normal to react to the uncertainty when you have not done the work on yourself. If she can’t master this, then she will never become reconciliation material.

I never thought my husband would cheat, though he did, my version of a reaction was the certainty that I just proved how unlovable I was and why would he ever love me again. It’s just a different version of the same song. The ws has created instability but then has a hard time existing in it. But it’s not harder to her than it is for you and in my opinion I would give her how you feel and she will either figure it out and provide you with that relief or she will just continue to make everything about her and her feelings more important. I hope she chooses wisely.

Another question for WS. Have you ever let your affair partner into your house without having sex with them? My wife has trickle truth this out about 3 years after Dday that she had let him in our house and that he had been drinking but nothing happened sexually while he was there. The more I think about this, the harder I believe it. I feel like she has gaslighted me a few times on some real obvious situations. I have heard it said that you should trust your gut feeling on these things. Just wanted to get the WS's perspective on this question. I pretty much know what the BS's will say.

Thanks,

Lost1313

It's been a year since d day, and all physical activity was stopped when I found out what my wife was up to. She says she hates him now, and I'm pretty reasonably convinced that's true. However, she also says she's absolutely disgusted that she got physical with him at all. The thought and memories of what they did together make her sick.

I'm less convinced of that. Surely she enjoyed it or she wouldn't have gone back 2 more times for more? Are any of you disgusted not just with the fact that you betrayed your husband, but also disgusted with the actual physical acts you did with AP? I can't help but wonder if there are some pleasant memories of the actual sex acts they did together.

Hi pogre-

I wrote an answer on the previous page to aspect north that I think is appropriate to use as the basis for my answer to your question, but I will make some specific comments to you after the repeat:

"First, without making sweeping generalizations of all women, the vast majority of women who I have met through this site including myself cheated for emotional reasons. The refrain is they didn’t feel seen in their marriage and a lot of times it is because they lost sight of themselves. An affair often is the culmination of trying to experience themselves, or a different version of themselves, and there is a great amount of escapism. This is in essence why you often hear "playing a role".

I wanted to be younger, sexier, more exciting than the woman on a hamster wheel drowning in the demands of a career and family life. I wanted to feel cherished (yes I realize how stupid this sounds now) and have this deeply romantic experience."

Often the truth of the matter, in that affair we often feel like we have the upper hand and using our sexuality can be part of that. We understand that can be a big power to use in a situation that is unstable We imagine being the ultimate to someone. The sad thing is we don’t see it’s as even more performative than the hamster wheel we were on.

Women are known to sexually stimulated by emotional connection, and if they believe they have that in a romantic scenario sex is far more attainable regardless of its overall quality. I also had sex with my ap exactly three times. Same as your wife. I had low expectations about it because I know myself enough that I don’t really have the full benefits of sex if I am not totally comfortable with someone.

I really found it mostly awkward and sort of like an out of body experience, but it was part of the romantic fantasy I had. I was chasing love I wasn’t giving myself.

I definitely felt overwhelming humiliation about the sex after the affair. Women are conditioned to have a complex relationship with their sexuality. Good girls don’t, slut shaming, and other factors of knowing what I did was so atrocious that I have no good feelings about it at all. Even this many years later if I allow myself to recall any of it, I can get a little sick to my stomach and feel a flush of humiliation. It’s not as debilitating to me now as it was back then.

It’s very complex, but it seems to align with your wife’s descriptions.

I understand as a man, who has likely always been faithful, you see it differently, and I understand why you have difficulty connecting it all. You probably feel like if you were ever to cheat or be tempted to cheat it would be to get different or better sex. And while I believe women can be sexually motivated to cheat, that isn’t as common as it is with men.

Now I won’t be you- the sex was consensual. I don’t do anything I didn’t want to do. But, it wasn’t the draw. I had as much great quality sex as I wanted at home and a husband would have probably entertained any fantasy I wanted to live out. The affair sex was more about this is what it escalates to.

I hope that helps but I absolutely believe that what your wife is saying is entirely possible and actually quite probable.

[This message edited by hikingout at 3:55 PM, Thursday, April 9th]

Lost- I didn’t ignore you, I just do not have this as part of my scenario. Perhaps another ws will be along to answer.

I believe that your wife has a lot of shame surrounding what she did and having you know all the things is intensely terrifying to her. I know it is very difficult to tell the details but know you do deserve them and do not deserve to be lied to or to have such a long term affair to be expected to be brushed under the rug.

I believe most of your posts stem from the continual rug sweeping your wife keeps insisting on, but it comes often as a grave cost to you.

[This message edited by hikingout at 3:59 PM, Thursday, April 9th]