SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I know deep down reconciliation is the best option for me and my family physically, emotionally, practically and financially.

I know my husband is truly remorseful, I don't think he will do it again and I know he loves me and our children and would turn back time if he could.

However, the feelings at times are unbearable and so intense. I have turned a corner on that I am not lashing out or calling him names anymore or trying to shame him, but sitting with this feelings are so hard. It makes me want to leave but I love him, would miss and I honestly think it would be a mistake but my god, the sadness is breathtaking... literally I walk around taking gasping breaths!

I don't think I have ever sat with my feelings...If a pet died I replaced it instantly to sooth the pain, I had a miscarriage and had to get pregnant again straight away to deal with the pain. How to I cope with this pain?

I know the only way is through, I know only I can heal myself, I recognise I can't change the past this shit has happened, I didn't deserve it but I have to accept it, but it's so so so hard at times.

I turned to alcohol, food and shopping at first but I can't do that anymore as always hol triggers my PMDD symptoms and I am getting fat eating crap which makes me feel worse and I can't afford to keep shopping!

I am reading the self help books, doing self care activities...pilates, crochet, walking having therapy twice a week and it's all helping until I hit a sad moment and although I'm not ruminating as much or asking why, or lashing out that leaves me with the emotion of pain - and that is overwhelming and making me want to escape!

Any help would be appreciated!

I don't have a lot of advice for you except to say that time does help. I am significantly better than I was a year ago, and better even than six months ago.

I still struggle a LOT with the feelings of betrayal, triggers, and general depression and pain. But it is significantly better than it was six months ago.

As my IC says, give them the time to show you they have changed. People don't change over night. That goes for you as well. It takes time.

We all want to escape the sadness. Easier said than done unfortunately.

Thank you Theevent...I think because it was 13 years ago now, he feels like he has changed already but I've only just learned about it so I see him as selfish, immoral, unloyal and dishonest whereas in his eyes he has not been that man for a long time...however, he has clearly been dishonest as he continued to lie to me! It's an absolute mind fuck!
I'm angry and betrayed in behalf of 31 year old me and a newborn/,toddlers when I'm now 43 with teenagers..it's so difficult to wrap my head around.

I want to avenge my younger self and my young children and divorce the 34 year old immature , selfish husband who did this to me but stay with the 47 year old loving husband I have today!

I want to avenge my younger self and my young children and divorce the 34 year old immature , selfish husband who did this to me but stay with the 47 year old loving husband I have today!

Coming to terms with the idea your spouse is both of those people is a very uphill battle.

My wife’s LTA happened in the 25-30 range, I think the confession happened at 48. She really is nothing like the selfish, self-absorbed conflict-avoider of those A years.

I like the new version quite a bit better, but it took a while to understand her good self was built by learning from her very worst days and worst choices.

In the interim, while I tried to figure out what I wanted from life, much less my M, I did a full on ‘all about me’ journey. Hell, I didn’t have the emotional energy for anything else anyway.

I worked out, I spent quality time with my sons, I talked to friends I hadn’t talked to in a while, I went to concerts of bands I love, I watched every comedy show I could find (because laughter is good, even when you’re fighting depression).

I focused on all the things that made me cool in the first place.

It’s quite a bit, actually.

I’m a helluva catch.

It does take time, and reminding yourself that you are truly a badass to have the strength to even CONSIDER staying in your M.

When you do get your swagger back, and you will, your choices to grab a hold of some joy will return too, and maybe it will include R, maybe not.

It helped my R to know the front door was there just in case I was done.

Thank you oldwounds...I am trying to invest in me. I've joined a gym and started meeting up with friends more.

Can I ask, as your wife's affair was similar to my husband's in some ways, how did you feel about her as a mother? I am struggling to understand how my husband could do this to his children and whether what he did makes him a bad dad? It's weird because in every other way he is a great dad who drops everything for them, but how could he risk their happiness and stability and damage their mother so much?