SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have never really shared my story here, but I have benefited greatly from reading yours.

Seven months ago, I discovered that my husband had been having an affair for three years. We have both been in IC ever since. He has a long history of failed relationships — ours is his fourth marriage (my second; my first also ended due to infidelity). He has ended the affair and has no further contact with the OW. He is working very hard on his issues and doesn't take it easy on himself, which is the only reason I'm still here. We are both in our late 50s, and I feel that this is a bit of a turning point for him. He knows that he is now deciding how the rest of his life will unfold — whether it will be a repetition of the same old pattern or whether he will manage to commit to a deep, genuine relationship.

I still struggle every day with the consequences of this trauma; phases of confidence are followed by phases of great anxiety and mistrust. But what haunts me most is that his affair had been going on for about six months when he proposed to me. Instead of ending it then, everything continued — before, during, and after our wedding. The OW is also married, so from his point of view, our wedding created a kind of "equal footing." Both of them probably found it a relief that neither of them had any further demands on the other.

I am tormented by the thought that our marriage is based on a lie, that he lied at the altar. (He, on the other hand, says over and over again that his love was real and so was and still is his desire to grow old with me.) I no longer wear my ring and have tried to have the marriage annulled, but the deadline for that had already passed.

Although I would like to try to reconcile, as long as he seriously works on his issues and on the condition that I can also heal in this relationship, it torments me that he practically tricked me into marriage and also that I now bear his name. He rejects the possibility of getting a divorce and still working on our reconciliation.

Strictly rationally, my position is probably not understandable, since we are not separating and because it has financial implications. But it just feels so incredibly wrong.

Would love to hear your thoughts.

I think it's normal to feel that the entire relationship was a lie regardless of the specifics. I felt the same even though my H didn't start cheating until 14 years after we got married. There were additional circumstances that led me to think it was all a lie. I didn't think it was malicious on his part. I don't think he even knew he was being dishonest. He didn't know himself at all and didn't really know me. He had a fantasy of how he thought things were and just fit me into without knowing if I did.

My H also insisted his feelings for, and commitment to, me were not a lie. 11 years after Dday, that is still hard for me to believe.

I don't understand the last paragraph you wrote. What position do you think is not understandable and to whom? What is it that you want?

If you want reconciliation and your H is willing to do everything needed for that, it is possible. It's not necessary. You can choose at any time to D.

Thank you for your response, cocoplus5nuts. How interesting to hear that not only my WH insists that his feelings were sincere!

I don't understand the last paragraph you wrote. What position do you think is not understandable and to whom? What is it that you want?

Sorry for being unclear. I was wondering whether the thoughts I wrote down above—my desire for a divorce without separation—make sense to you. Looking back, I see this wedding as a kind of play—beautiful and touching, but not real.

My wife cheated after 18 years of marriage, and has maintained that she never stopped loving me, still loves me and wants to grow old together.

It has been difficult to accept that she can love me but also stab me in the back like that.

I can only assume our definitions of love are different.

As far as your question, I think its a very personal one that only you can answer.

Personally I wouldn't be able to divorce and also stay together. I would rather have less money, but not be stressed about a relationship, than stay and have more money but always be tied to this person im no longer committed to. Thats just me though.