SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So I have been married for 33 years. I have a healthy sex life with my wife. This is my story. It began in the fall of 1989. I met my then to be wife my Junior year of college. My previous girlfriend was a cheater. Cheated on me all the time without me knowing about it, until I found out. I broke up with her the night I met my future wife, however, jealous tendencies had been established in my background, along with trust issues. I had only been with one other girl (in high school - a one night thing -peer pressure, which Im not proud of). So that's my background. When I met my future wife, she was charming and cute. She was an incoming freshman as it was August. We became friends and a few weeks later I would ask her out. A few weeks after that, we would sleep together. She was a virgin, or at least I think she was. She told me she was. We discussed our sexual/high school/college pasts together, as we had no secrets. I told her mine. She told me she had 1)Never had a boyfriend. 2)Only been with one guy in high school and she had given him a blowjob on several occasions. 3)She went to prom with a different guy, but no interest, and nothing happened. 4)She did tell me about a guy she was in "Love" with but he had always liked her friend, but she had never dated, kissed, etc. That was it! She was a keeper! By October we were exclusive. She liked to journal and she calendared as well. In January of 1991, she made an entry in her journal that we will come back to later. Tw0 years of us dating passed and I joined the Air Force after I graduated from college and I left for two years. We dated long distance while she finished college. We became engaged after 1 year apart. The day before our wedding, I flew to her house in Atlanta. That night she had a bachelorette party. I stayed in her room at her parent's house. While there, I found some old journals from High School and being bored, I read them. I discovered two things: 1)She got fingered by a guy in her Math class who drove her home one night. 2)She went on a student congress trip to LA and met some guy there. They went to her hotel room, got naked, tried to have sex, but failed, and then took a shower together. Both of these I never shared that I knew. I figured, I should just lock it away, which is exactly what I did.
Fast forward to 2009. Facebook has been out for about a year. I catch my wife being secretive. I ask what she is doing. She lies. Then I bust her for searching for the guy from high school she gave a blowjob to. We have a huge fight over this because she is going to her 20 year high school reunion.
Fast forward to 2025. We were on a trip with some friends to Florida. While in the pool, Im standing next to my wife and her friend says, "Ive seen so many dicks in my life!! What about you Jane?" My wife replies, "Im seen several myself! I once followed this guy to work at McDonalds and he showed me his dick by the fry machine!" Well you can imagine my mind racing at this moment. It was flooded with emotion. When we got back to our room, I was livid. A huge fight ensued on why she lied about her past. Nothing was cleared up. In December, we were at a restaurant, and I had just paid our bill, and as Im leaving I see my wife hugging a former co-worker. The hug seemed extra long to me. I heard her say, "Just let me know. Ill follow you anywhere and will leave any time!" She had just told me she loved her job and would never leave. My mind was racing again. No fights about this though. I stored it up.
Fast forward to February 2026. Im cleaning our attic and I discover a journal and a couple of calendars. The Calendar lists our all the dates she had went on her Senior year of High School. The discrepancy was in the fact that she told me about her Prom date -remember no interest and nothing happened - well she went on several dates with him before and after prom. She also went on alot of other dates with alot of other guys, which she is allowed to do. She just never mentioned any of these guys. In the journal I found, it was from 1991. It was mostly about me, but one input made me raise my eyebrows - "Im so mad my friends found out about me and JS having sex. My initials are JT and she mentions me by name in the journal never by initials.
So, I confront her about the journal. She denies it. She says it was bad handwriting and it was me. By the way, I validated in the journal other writing she did of the "S" and proved to her she was lying about it not being what she said, but she still sticks with her story. I mention the Hug from December and how that made me feel. I mention the McDonalds story and she changes the rhetoric and says she lied to impress her friends. She said that story did not happen. But it was another place she worked. And she got naked, but the guy didnt and nothing happened. I asked "Was there anybody else?" she said "NO", and thats when I brought up her journals from our wedding night. She lied straight to my face. Then she caved. She said she didnt want me to not choose her as to why she didnt share.
I mention the prom date. She says she touched his penis through his pants, but that was it. Now Im not believing anything at this point!
The next day, I find another calendar where she clearly had two boyfriends in high school because she labeled them "started going together" and "broke up". I called her out on these too because she told me she had never had a boyfriend. Then I started digging...
September 29, 2008 -Wife friends me on Facebook
August 2, 2008 - Wife friends Prom Date on Facebook
2009 - Sends Bday wishes and reminds prom date of their time in HS.
2009 - Sees him at HS Reunion
2020 - Messenger - He sees her on a vacation in Florida. They just chat.
Wife does not share any of this with me.

What she does share with me is this. During this time 2008, she wishes I was dead. I had gotten laid off from my job.

When I bring this up, she says she just wanted to be friends with all her high school people. I said thats great, but maybe if you had sexual context with them it isnt appropriate! I would never do that to you. She feels Im stupid.
We continue this fight...
in March she goes in and Unfriends her old boyfriends from High School, her Prom date, and the Guy she was in "Love" with.

She swears she has never once cheated on me.

Thats where Im at. Prior to this, I had not known my wife to have ever lied to me. For me, If I never found out any of this information, she would have never told me. This is the part that eats me up inside and has ever since our trip in 2025. Her truth came from being caught. She wrote me a note and regurgitated the stuff I knew, but nothing I didnt know. To me it makes everything contaminated, even though it was so long ago, and we have beautiful memories after and even now. For me, betrayal hurts and deception reshapes my reality. This is the part that is going to be difficult for me moving forward!

If you ever were the first to a virgin you would notice, believe it, no doubts, no I think.

Trickle truths is what you are facing now, basically your wife was always lying and betrayed you in several different places along your story, while giving you just enough truth as she gauged you could take, without rejecting her or losing the idealized imagine of her that she loved to see reflected back in your eyes.

Do you see anything about You up to here?

Or you feel like it was deception, exploitative, transactional.

You feel like the fallback guy, and you’re probably right, because she kept secrets from you instead of putting you first, and held you as a comfort while she kept searching for excitement, fantasy and validation outside the couple.

Hey don’t take it too harsh because it is exactly what I went through as well, and while I laid it out brutally with no sugar coating I can promise you that you will get out of this. Today from my end, I don’t give a fuck while she still carries the weight of her choices.

First thing first:

There is nothing wrong with you, all the blame and accountability lay solely on her.

(Caveat, I don’t understand if that one nighter you mentioned was you cheating, if that’s the case then you share your wife’s issues and it’s a different can of worms)

You couldn’t have prevented it, you were never given the choice

She is not right now reconciliation material, she feels shame, not guilt and she is protecting the most intimate secrets she had with other men, while cheating on you.

The question is if you tolerate this to go on one second longer.

The pain you feel already answered.

You know what has to be done to heal.

Don’t even think about reconciliation right now, read the 180, take all measures to protect yourself, and dra your new path forward.

She will notice.

And about what come next, it will not be about her words, trickle truths or empty promises. It’s about patterns and behaviors that will give you a clue what to do with allowing her existence in your life or not.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 2:35 PM, Friday, April 10th]

(Caveat, I don’t understand if that one nighter you mentioned was you cheating, if that’s the case then you share your wife’s issues and it’s a different can of worms)

No, I have never cheated. The last girl I was with was the girl I dumped right before I met my future wife. I dumped her because she was a cheater!

Ok so the rest is still valid.

Your wife is as much a cheater if not more than your ex.

You must put your life and your healing first now. Do the hard 180 and make preparations to move on like you mean it, not as a show.

I can recommend individual counseling for you, often we are attracted and attract the very same people who will hurt us, you need to understand if you have these unresolved issues, I had and I should have addressed them back then instead of getting devoured by them by rug sweeping .

I'm sorry, if I didn't understand your post fully. Do you have any evidence of actual cheating? If not, drop it. What your wife did, the dishonesty, seeking out old flames, wishing you death etc. is pretty bad by itself, but I strongly advise against judgements without evidence.

[This message edited by Itiswhatitis000 at 7:39 PM, Friday, April 10th]

Do you have any evidence of actual cheating?

No, I dont. Im just upset about the lying to my face and about the "keeping in touch" aspect. Overall dishonesty I guess that I just learned about in the last couple of months.

She’s definitely shady that’s for sure.

Not sure what you do with this information—especially years later.

For now she needs to be doing things to make you safe and secure.