Newlywed18 (original poster new member #75935) posted at 11:53 PM on Sunday, May 24th, 2026
I last posted in 2020 after my husband was found soliciting prostitutes by my then minor son. We went to marriage counseling for 4 years and he was supposedly staying faithful. I started working with a therapist last year that identified narcissistic abuse. For years I had been trying to explain to him how he was hurting me with emotional abuse and sexual coercion and I came to realize he was not going to change. My health had really suffered from the constant stress.
We reached the point of separation and he asked if we could try again. I told him I needed a week break before I could consider it and he texted me how he was so thankful for the chance and was terrified of how close he came to losing me. He left and immediately turned off his location and activated Tinder (according to phone records) while still sending me texts with hearts. We stayed separated and in the weeks to follow I found evidence of solicitation on our phone records. I now believe he never stopped the solicitation and was living a double life the entire time.
I feel like I have been gutted and get through my work but that's all I have. To make matters harder, he is fighting me aggressively with the divorce. Even though we are where we are because of him. There are large amounts of money that have gone through our accounts and I have my attorney investigating. We don't have anything to show for all the money that is missing.
This is a living hell. I would love to hear if anyone has been here and if you have any advice.
BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 1:18 AM on Monday, May 25th, 2026
my only advise is to start thinking of this as a business arrangement you are ending. Get a forensic accountant and make sure you are keeping an eye on all the money - your lawyers should be able to advise on this.
And now focus on you. Your health. Your sanity. Your future.
Stay in IC. Start detaching. You will get through this. I am so sorry you have been subjected to all this - you really deserve better.
He is very sick and you need to protect yourself from him. Put you first.
Sending support and virtual (((hugs))).
Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)
**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **
Newlywed18 (original poster new member #75935) posted at 1:53 AM on Monday, May 25th, 2026
Thank you for your kind words and advice.
I have not had any insight into the finances throughout the marriage. The only account I could log in was the bank account where my check was deposited. Is a forensic accountant something my attorney will recommend or that I need to ask for?
Sparkywater ( new member #41932) posted at 3:27 PM on Monday, May 25th, 2026
First thing, separate your finances if you can. Get your own account without him on it, if you're in a joint account and he's the original holder then that's a problem. If YOU are the originator, you can move him off without his consent by closing the account and reopening a new one. However before you do that, download ALL monthly statements. On all accounts: savings, CD, checking ect. Even if you get them by mail and he doesn't let you see them, you can download from any account you are also on. This will help show the money trail. This is also useful for divorce for spending habits and cost of living.
On the statements if something isn't clear on what the purchase was, you can use Google. Did this many times when thought my credit was compromised. Majority will come up but some don't. But it helps.
Good luck
BS(56) WS(48)DD1 July2012(R) DD2 2026 ? DS 25
NoThanksForTheMemories ( member #83278) posted at 12:11 AM on Tuesday, May 26th, 2026
You might have to request (and pay extra for) a forensic accountant. It's something you can discuss with your lawyer. You don't have to wait for your lawyer to bring it up.
As for the rest of it, I'm really sorry you're in this situation. It sounds like you have been very trusting of him for your whole marriage, and he has taken advantage of it. Prioritize your health and harden your heart as best you can. It can take a long time to really internalize that the person you thought you married isn't the person you're divorcing. Either he deceived you the whole time, or he's changed, but either way, he's not the image of him that you carry in your thoughts and your heart.
Allow space for grief and anger. They are natural feelings, and they are exhausting. Forgive yourself for neglecting non-essential things like housework. Make an effort to reach out to people who care about you. It can be easy to get isolated, especially when you're tired from the emotional load.
Once you get through the negotiation phase and the court papers are signed, it gets a lot less hellish, but absolutely it can be awful until then.
WS had a 3 yr EA+PA from 2020-2022, and an EA 10 years ago (different AP). Dday1 Nov 2022. Dday4 Sep 2023. False R for 2.5 months. 30 years together. Divorcing.
