Notts
I read your post before you deleted it and frankly, I was about to answer in a comparable – albeit maybe a bit more gentle – manner as above.
Intimacy is a big factor in marriage, and it’s important for couples. The need for intimacy can vary, and we can always have a situation where it’s not an option. Like if some medical condition prevented me or my wife from sharing intimacy then that would lead to it not being an option. But I would hope that our goal might be to handle the medical issue, opening up the possibility/availability of intimacy. If not – if it was a permanent issue – then I guess we would learn to live with that.
Even then – the need, the enjoyment and all that varies. For some it’s a need, for others a pleasure, and maybe for some an obligation.
In your instance it sounds more like a choice to omit intimacy. You don’t want or need intimacy and therefore took it off the table in your marriage. Yes – you gave him options – accept it or leave the marriage. You also gave him alternative "tools" such as porn. This is possibly what led him on to OnlyFans and what you consider "cheating".
Well… Yes… it possibly is cheating. Maybe your "rules" were clear on how he could self-satisfy. I won’t deny that nor suggest what he did isn’t cheating. It feels that way to you, and therefore it is.
However… Intimacy and sex are totally different issues. If your husband only needed the physical sexual outlet of an orgasm he could take care of that whenever he got a hard-on. However, that falls into the old stereotypical view that sex is just sex for men, that if needed then any willing outlet would do.
It’s a lot more. It’s a need for INTIMACY, to feel desired, to feel wanted, for us men maybe a sense of possession (this is MY mate…), a sense of being accepted… It’s a lot more emotional, and that emotional need is what might lead to the erection that then wants taken care of.
I don’t doubt your aversion or lack of need for intimacy/sex. However, I think that maybe you offered your husband unrealistic options. For one, maybe the two of you should have looked into treatment or therapy to find ways to improve intimacy. Maybe it’s hormonal, maybe psychological, maybe there is a very good and permanent reason it’s not on the table. But that would have been better dealt with had the two of you viewed the issue as a marital issue to be dealt with together, rather than as a decree from you to him.
I wonder what I would do if my wife refused me sex. As with probably most long-term marriages the frequency and need drops, and is probably a bigger need for males. But we still have intimacy… as in cuddles, the daily morning first-cup-of-coffee routine, kissing good-bye before leaving the house, the patting on the butt when walking past her, the holding hands… Sex? Well… it’s important but I don’t want to force myself on her. Therefore maybe less frequent than I would want it, but still available. Still an option.
Your post will probably be reinstated – as per the guidelines. Don’t worry – you aren’t in any way traceable nor was there anything in your post that can tell anybody who you are. If you do read here then my suggestion and advice is this:
Be honest with your husband about how you feel about the onlyfans use. But be honest that maybe what you were offering him as permissible wasn’t clear.
Then… open up to that maybe no intimacy isn’t realistic in a healthy marriage, and that maybe you two need to look into that. Either with some work on establishing intimacy or into real acceptance it’s not an option, and what can be done to counter that.
