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I have two questions that are heavily linked, the first pertains to a specific subset of wayward individuals (perhaps so specific I won't find an someone able to respond)—those who have experienced no tangible consequences for their affairs. Do you, perhaps buried deep within, subconsciously view your situation as a win?

When I refer to "tangible consequences," I mean individuals who may have concealed their affairs from most people, thereby avoiding societal shame, not losing friends, maintaining the respect of their children, and preserving their marriage. They also faced no financial repercussions either. This is what I mean by having no tangible consequences.

To elaborate further, if you had an affair and were caught, but your partner chose to reconcile—keeping your indiscretion from being exposed publicly—and you utilized this opportunity to engage in couples counseling, ultimately improving your relationship, you might find that despite the pain of guilt and shame, you have emerged with a stronger partnership. In this scenario, you faced no real consequences and carry the memories of an affair that you initially enjoyed, leading to a complex emotional landscape.

From a psychological perspective, while many wayward individuals may eventually express deep regret and remorse for their actions, it's essential to acknowledge the initial emotional gratification that often accompanies such decisions. The brain's reward system, particularly involving the release of dopamine, can create intense feelings of excitement, connection, and pleasure during an affair. Even if you feel remorse after witnessing the pain on your partner’s face, it's plausible that the positive associations created during the affair linger—contributing to a cognitive dissonance that complicates feelings of guilt. Presumably, you would still retain those memories of excitement and rush as they happened, forming an internal conflict between pleasure and pain.

However, I must note that the notion of consequence-free reconciliation might provoke a more significant psychological dilemma. While some individuals may find that witnessing the pain in their partner’s eyes serves as a motivator to change their ways, this does not apply universally. Human behavior often reflects a deeper psychological pattern: we tend to learn through consequences. If one navigates an affair without facing real repercussions, it could unwittingly reinforce detrimental behaviors. This is where the brain's neural pathways come into play—without sufficient consequence, one may inadvertently establish a pattern of thought that associates infidelity with positive outcomes: "If things get tough in a relationship, engaging in an affair can lead to improvement."

This thought process is typically subconscious, but it reveals a potential trap: the brain may begin to encode infidelity as a viable coping mechanism rather than a source of conflict. The absence of tangible consequences can distort the moral compass and reinforce unhealthy behavioral patterns, ultimately complicating the process of personal growth and relationship dynamics.

I recognize that it would require a very honest wayward to answer this, but I am genuinely curious about your thoughts on this psychological interplay. How do you reconcile the initial thrill of an affair with the potential for future relational conflicts, especially in an environment where past actions continue to echo within your psyche?

The second question, more broadly, irrespective of whether you faced consequences or not - whether you felt you required tangible consequences' in your case specifically to change - would you encourage betrayed partners to enforce them in their circumstance?

Again, when referring to enforcing consequences, tools often citied may be insisting their wayward partner inform the other betrayed spouse, parents or children. Perhaps move out for a specified period of time.

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 8:46 AM, Friday, May 2nd]

WS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:04 PM, Saturday, May 3rd]

DRSOOLERS

Do you, perhaps buried deep within, subconsciously view your situation as a win?

whether you felt you required tangible consequences' in your case specifically to change - would you encourage betrayed partners to enforce them in their circumstance?

For context, I ended my A in 2016 and have not confessed to my wife.

In no way do I feel that I won anything unless you view having the moniker of cheater associated with you as a win.

I've had a lot of time to reflect on what I did, how I got there and where I am now. When consequences are mentioned, none of them amount to much unless the WS really feels remorse for what they've done and is willing to put the hard work in to try and fix what is broken.

Certainly I never had to look into my wife's eyes and witness the pain of my betrayal but I did have to look into my own. To know that I did the one thing I swore I never would. To betray the one person who always had my back. To put everything at risk for someone who was as broken as I was. The period of self reflection and realization of what I did was some of the darkest periods of my life.

Certainly if I could go back in time and ignore that FB message, I would do it in a nanosecond.

The second question, more broadly, irrespective of whether you faced consequences or not - whether you felt you required tangible consequences' in your case specifically to change - would you encourage betrayed partners to enforce them in their circumstance?

I think most consequences of an affair are natural ones. I don’t think of any of my husbands actions in the aftermath to be purposefully punitive. I would encourage any new bs to be protective of themselves, not to play the pick me dance, and any other healthy thing we tell people to do on here.

I think a lot of people who have an affair regret it and have to take a lot of time to heal from their own actions. That and any fallout experienced are just simply natural. You we thoughtless to the person who you married. Nothing is owed to you and you went in as a grown up knowing there might be fallout even if you push the thoughts away and not think deeply on it.. If you can earn it back, thats a miracle and you should thank your lucky stars, so in my book if that meant that some people now may have their judgements about me and I have lost credibility ten that’s what I did.

And mending those relationships also take intention. A ws who can redeem themselves with most of those people have come a long way in who they are, their capacity to cope and enjoy normal life more, and so I see those consequences as being a gift. The affair isn’t, that should never have happened. But facing consequences often helps many of us to do some deep and long self reflection. So yes, I would encourage the bs to react naturally and authentically. I would never encourage a bs to abuse. A bs has newly learned and says hateful things excluded of course.

[This message edited by hikingout at 11:18 PM, Friday, May 2nd]

For context, I ended my A in 2016 and have not confessed to my wife

That's a very interesting situation. I'm curious, do you feel genuinely content with the love you share with your wife? Personally, I'd struggle with the feeling that the foundation of the relationship was somehow false. Knowing what happened in 2016, she might react in any number of ways – her feelings for you could change, and she might choose to leave.

I've always found the 'take it to the grave' approach perplexing. Beyond the significant ethical consideration of your wife's agency in the relationship, I personally couldn't find peace in your situation. The thought that the love I've received for the past eight or nine years might be contingent on a lack of complete honesty, and might not exist if I were entirely truthful, would be deeply unsettling.

It seems to highlight a certain 'wayward' mentality, in a way. It's similar to how I've never understood the satisfaction some people find in cheating during friendly games or quizzes. While financial stakes might offer a different, albeit less pure, motivation for bending the rules, the 'victory' itself feels hollow if it's based on deception. Where's the genuine satisfaction in a pretended win?

On a personal level, lying in bed with my partner and hearing 'I love you,' I can imagine the recurring thought: 'Would you say that if you knew the full truth?' I'd be thinking I haven't experienced real love for 8 years. I'd need that, selfishly or not.

Of course, your wife's love for you likely encompasses many facets beyond just fidelity. However, for a significant number of people, fidelity is such a fundamental pillar of trust that its absence can undermine everything else. Ultimately, neither you nor I can definitively know how your wife would perceive this until there's disclosure.

Please understand, this isn't a moral judgment or an urging for you to confess. That's a deeply personal decision for you to make. I'm more generally interested in your perspective on my thoughts.

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 10:32 AM, Saturday, May 3rd]

I think most consequences of an affair are natural ones

Could you define natural ones for context here?

I used examples of consequences such as

-insisting their wayward partner inform the other betrayed spouse

-Informing their parents or children.

-Perhaps move out for a specified period of time.

Would you define these as natural?

I would never encourage a bs to abuse. A bs has newly learned and says hateful things excluded of course.

I feel it almost goes with out saying - but for absolute clarity - agreed

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 10:30 AM, Saturday, May 3rd]

DRSOOLERS

I agonized over the decision to confess for a very long time. Something a BS said to me changed my perspective and decision to confess.

People here often say she has the right to know. But she also has the right to not know.

I asked myself, who benefits from my confession? Perhaps I would in that I would no longer be carrying this secret. Certainly not my wife. Denying her agency sounds great on paper; giving her the agency everyone here talks about means endless mind movies, pain, sadness and a life blown apart. No one has every made a compelling argument as to how this is a better outcome for my wife.

While I will always feel remorse for cheating, I've made my peace with staying silent.

Yes I define any reaction from a bs natural. If they want to separate, divorce, if they want to inform the other bs, want transparency, require you get help, whatever it is. That train left the building when you negated your promises and did whatever you wanted to them. You do not get to dictate the terms of how the bs copes, what they need for safety, or whether they stay in the marriage.

Most ws just push away what might happen if their spouse finds out. They tell themselves they won’t find out, or they feel the marriage is over. These things are just justifications to do what they want to do.

You inflict trauma on someone you don’t have any control of what it is they want or need or feel. They are the one who is acting out in the open, honestly, to your reprehensible actions. There maybe feelings of wanting to punish the ws but in all reality I have read things from thousands of bs and what I see in most is someone simply struggling to navigate the bomb that just went off in their life. They aren’t out informing the obs or leaving because they want to. They are trying to regain some sense of control and order to their life post apocalypse.

It might surprise you, or you may find it hard to believe, but I feel the way a lot of ws suffer the most is inside their own head about their actions. My husband really did nothing that even touched the hell that already was in my head. And in my book those are all factors as to why I worked so hard to be introspective and that continues 8 years later. I am no longer in the pain that I was, but there is still enough there that I continue to strive for amends. Not just with him, but everywhere. All the good I can do may never balance out that culpability that lives in me, I don’t know if I will ever forgive myself. I have learned to love the person I have become and I act with compassion, assertiveness, integrity, and protect my happiness. I try and help others and the well of love and compassion extends to others in the human experience. But I have come to accept that burned out valley will always live in the geography of my heart along with the good things that have been built since.

Had I murdered someone, I would see prison as a natural consequence. In my book, murder and adultery reside on the same list for a reason. That seems very dark, but I truly have a life I am filed with gratitude for all at the same time. It’s very hard to describe the balance that one has to come to in order to continue on and I can only imagine that I inflicted worse on my husband, and to a woman I never met.

[This message edited by hikingout at 3:21 PM, Saturday, May 3rd]