SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This worries me as I think it means I'll never get over it but my therapist said we have to work on it as this thinking, dwelling and ruminating will ruin my future with or without my husband

This made me stop and think b/c o over analyze everything (which is why I am so good at my job b/c I look for loopholes and things mist people would never consider). And I have a plan for it.

I think it’s ok to dwell on the trauma and pain etc as you process what happened. Isn’t that part of acceptance and healing? It just happened. I can tell you I was in a similar cycle for 3 years — disbelief he was kicking me to the curb, panic at being w/out his income, terror at what the future could be.

But I was confident I would survive it and be ok because I planned for it from the second he announced he wanted a D. Looking back I over thought things and analyzed every option and contingency plan lol.

It’s why I am confident today (more than I ever was). I survived the worst. Still standing.

And I hope the same for you too evio.

1st wife ..my therapist also says the overthinking is a childhood trauma response that kept me safe...I always seem to plan for the worst to happen. I am currently studying and got the bulk of my dissertation done last year's months ahead of schedule as I'm used to things going wrong (COVID, kids injuries, illnesses etc) however, I want expected to bit blown away by betrayal trauma! But I guess I already had my ducks in a row before so I guess that's one bonus 😆

I hope I can get over it, hopefully with my husband, but even if it's alone ...I just want to enjoy my life again - we get one shot, one precious life, and I'm sad and angry Im having to waste my precious time healing from something I didn't deserve 😞 ...I better come out of this like a titanium cored, teflon coated yogi who is indestructible 😆

I concur with 1st wife I think rumination is natural after infidelity because it creates trauma to the brain.

I too have had problems with rumination. And I have worked through most of it. (Well I can still get on one but it’s usually short lived)

But it doesn’t sound like to me that your therapist really gets this is new trauma. It does probably trigger old trauma and of coping mechanisms but you are also in fight or flight. I might try a different therapist in your shoes.

Hikingout - I hope my therapist gets trauma - she's a highly qualified pyschotherapist.
I think it's hard to explain online, but the reason they think my rumination goes beyond what's 'normal' isn't to do with the betrayal trauma but to do with how I've reacted to things my whole life - I feel I'm reacting to the betrayal trauma pretty well tbh, I also dealt with the pandemic pretty well but I can have a meltdown over the smallest things and ruminate about mistakes from years and years ago and berate myself l. I'm worried if I don't address this way of thinking, in years to come I will dwell on this infidelity - whether I'm with my husband or not - and let it dictate my life.
Also when I go down a thought spiral, I 'find evidence' to convince myself I will a) never be happy, healed or whole again and I am now damaged goods. And b) my husband's actions mean he is evil, immoral, a bad dad who does not care about his children and I end up having a huge meltdown, sobbing and telling him this and I hate myself for basically treating him like he is inhumane and I fear this could have devastating consequences of I don't stop.

rumination

Here’s another thing to practice, along with acceptance each time you start to ask the HOW question.

The moment your mind wanders on to the negative topic and you peer into the rathole, move your awareness into your body. Just pause and feel what is going on, where the tension is, your heart, your gut, all that stuff. How that thought you had influenced it. Keep it there for a bit. That is the raw emotion you are feeling right now. The stronger the feeling, the more it will pull you into right now. Not the past, not the future, but this moment. Try it and see. Close your eyes and feel what’s going on. When you are in this moment, you aren’t in the past or future. It’s where you want to be.

It takes practice, but if you work over and over to make it a habit, it will become a powerful tool in the toolbox, guaranteed.

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 12:50 PM, Wednesday, July 9th]

Evio. You & I are so similar.

I attributed things to growing up in Catholic school with guilt being a part of the religion.

I beat myself up over things I said or did as a kid — with deep regrets. I’m not a "mean girl" but I was a typical kid who said and did things I regret.

I think you have to recognize that you are responsible for your life & happiness. The decision for R for me was - Will I be happy with my H 10 or 20 years after the affair? Will I still love him? And I don’t want to project into your future but I hope the same for you.

If you are happy then you decide if you will be happy R. It’s not meant to be Will my H make me happy - it should be Will my H ADD to my happiness.

My answers were (and remain) yes. It’s been 12 years. I made it through and out the other side lol.

My reaction to the almost D was to hoard $. I just recently allowed myself to buy my H a new car for Father’s Day (paid in cash). To let go of that $ was a HUGE step for me.

He’s a good guy who made a series of bad decisions. Luckily for me he recognized it.

I am glad you are seeing someone with great credentials. I too have had that issue most of my life. However, by the time my husband had cheated I had learned to go without it. It returned.

I was questioning her competency because there are a lot of terrible therapists. Glad to hear you don’t feel she is in that category. I agree rumination has to be addressed in the healing process but I was a bit surprised that’s what she is asking you to do when the trauma is so recent. If you are comfortable and she is awesome, that’s great. I was only concerned that some of the primitive areas of our brain keep you in fight or flight a lot after discovery and that’s why you see spouses asking the same questions over and over and other behaviors that I think are easier to control after some of the immediate trauma hasn’t yet been addressed. But I am not at all a mental health professional, I have only read what others have tried and done over the years and while many have talked about addressing their ruminating, I haven’t heard someone say they were working on that this early out. It was just new to me, and it raised a flag.

[This message edited by hikingout at 5:00 PM, Wednesday, July 9th]