SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Consider Bigger’s advice to not let your spouse know very, very strongly. It’s literally the best tool in your toolbox to determine if she has been lying about no contact.

I didn't tell her at first, but disclosed a few days later to her that I did. I did go through her phone afterwards to see if there was any communication, and there was nothing that I saw. And I haven't heard anything from OW or AP since I told her.

I decided to tell my wife and she was a little surprised but relieved and concerned he was going to attempt to reach out but assured me he hasn't. I'm inclined to believe there truly hasn't been any contact since February 15th, I have no other reason or even suspicions or doubts anymore. She is blocked on every social media page that he has including the secret apps. When i found out about the affair and she tipped him off on February 15th; him thinking I was going to reach out to his girlfriend then (I didn't even know his last name or her name) truly ended it. And that's when he lashed out and blocked her on everything.

I found his email address and we sent a NC letter outlining your message; crickets on the response. But it's out there.

From here, I think I can start really working on myself and our reconciliation. To address you question about the why behind the affair; that's a big topic of conversation over the past few days. Validation and instant gratification were the two things that immediately came up. It makes sense to me, in a way, because I do put myself back in my own shoes in September/October before the affair started. I was working a lot and in a pretty stressful period; then shuttling the 3 kids around to various practices and coaching them, etc. All of the problems we had (stressing about finances, day to day of kids development, problems in school with friends or teachers, etc) none of that existed when it was just her and him talking/texting/sexting. And he showered her with praise about how beautiful she was constantly and his only focus was how beautiful she was and exchanging nudes; he didn't have "real" life problems to deal with with her. None of this is an excuse by any means; it's the ultimate selfish route, but it's a least a reason and that's what I've been trying to understand.

I truly believe the emotional affair would've been a physical affair had distance not been an issue and we chatted through that as well. She says she doesn't think so, but she doesn't know for sure and I'm tired of playing the what if game in my head so I'm just going to move past that.

She's started reading some of the books recommended and was appalled by her behavior post infidelity. I was trying to explain to her what I was going through when I was having panic attacks, or flooding of emotions, or being shutdown and the books explained it a little more eloquently than I could. At one point, very early on post discovery, she asked me to stop being so mopey. After reading the books she referenced back to that moment about what an all time "bitch" comment that was.

I think she finally gets it and the destruction she's caused and how the family is held on by a thread, but at least it's still holding on but she needs to put the work in to solidifying it.

Now if only these 'effin mental movies, what if scenarios, and panic attacks will just go away. IC has been very helpful.

A positive update. Time will help with the mind movies. Some have gone to EMDR therapy to deal with the problem. Check the Healing Library for articles dealing with mind movies. Your WW’s discussion of her "reason" is an explanation of how the A happened in her mind. But it does not explain what in her makeup allowed her to be susceptible to the AP’s advances. IC may help her get to the core weakness. The stresses you describe in your M are common to most marriages. Every day millions of married people go through life feeling stressed, disconnected, ignored or unloved, but even when confronted by temptation to cheat, never do so. It’s not the daily stresses that caused her to cheat but something broken inside of her. She needs to address this brokenness if she wants to earn your trust moving forward. Good luck.

Your wife is starting to sound like my wife when she really started "getting it." The books helped open her eyes, too. I think you're seeing some positive signs. There reached a point where the subtle and not so subtle signs of deception and secretiveness just disappeared with my wife, and I started feeling like she really did understand just how bad her words and actions were. I could tell when she was really all in on fixing the damage she'd done. There was a noticeable shift in her demeanor and actions. She's been on that same path for almost a year now, and despite having our 1 year antiversary on top of us and messing with my head right now I'm really beginning to feel like we're going to make it. It sounds like your wife is taking those first tentative steps in that direction .

The mental images and mind movies suck. They do subside after a while, but I'm still hit with them occasionally and it's brutal, but it does get better with time.