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One of the hardest things I keep coming back to is the fear that I may have been chosen more for stability than for love.

The person who kept things going.

The home.

The family.

The practical life.

The one who would still be there.

What hurts is the possibility that I may have been central in function but not in feeling and needed/relied on/trusted with responsibility - but not deeply wanted in the way I believed I was.

I know people and motivations are complicated, but emotionally that does not soften and leaves a very painful question behind: was I truly chosen or was I the safe and stable option while excitement validation or desire were sought elsewhere?

Has anyone else struggled with that specific wound and if so how did you make sense of it in your own mind.

[This message edited by ButterflyInProgress at 10:43 AM, Sunday, May 24th]

I’m sorry you are dealing with this on top of the trauma of an affair.

You were "chosen". But that doesn’t mean you chose. It means (to me) you went along with the decision to reconcile.

That was a point in time where you made decisions. But now you should not feel obligated to stick with your choice to Reconcile. If you believe you weren’t "chosen" for the right reasons, it is never too late to change your mind.

Give yourself permission to re-evaluate.

And what makes you think the cheater settled? Are you disconnected or not feeling loved? Are you just co-existing in a state of "things are ok" but something is missing?

And what makes you think the cheater settled? Are you disconnected or not feeling loved? Are you just co-existing in a state of "things are ok" but something is missing?

I think for me it is less about one obvious thing in the present and more about what the betrayal seems to cast backwards over the whole relationship andleaves me wondering whether I was deeply loved or whether I was the reliable stable person who kept everything going and was therefore the safe choice to keep.

That is the part that hurts not only whether I was chosen but what I was actually being chosen for.

I do appreciate what you said about giving myself permission to re-evaluate because I think that is part of what this whole process forces people to do.

[This message edited by ButterflyInProgress at 12:54 PM, Sunday, May 24th]

I think most of us have this concern/question/fear.

My way of handling it was to ask: Do you love me? Are you in love with? Then I watched my W answer, not just with her ords at the moment, but also in her actions.

Part of that was asking myself - and answering - how I would know if she loved and desired me.

I urge you to ask, if you want to be more than the safe choice.

And don't forget to ask yourself the same questions. You're the prize, after all.

I can say for certain that it is hard to really know what to believe in the affair aftermath.

Is the cheater staying for love or financial reasons or what???

Because during the affair the cheater certainly views the AP as their first choice. But after the affair is over, and the bubble has burst, they see the AP is a very different light. The real OM/OW (other man/woman).

And often the cheating spouse or partner is horrified at the grim reality of the person they cheated with whom they thought was "so perfect".

The only person to please right now is you.

Has anyone else struggled with that specific wound and if so how did you make sense of it in your own mind.

I think anyone who gave R a shot had to find an answer to this.

I learned I wasn’t the only one trying to figure if I should stay or not.

For my wife, she planned to take the secret of her A to the grave — she was certain the truth would end us, and she held on to the only connection we had. However, she figured out that our connection was already hurt by her actions and the only chance to better, real connection was going to be the hard, bitter truth.

For my wife, she had to hope that truth would eventually allow for a better connection. But she had to overcome shame, guilt and all the things that go with having a conscience.

In our case, I didn’t want to be the last one standing, I wanted her to make me feel wanted.

And for a WS, some never understand that, or they never own their choices or worse, they remain unsafe by defending the damage they caused.

In the early days after my wife’s confession, my refrain was simple, "Show me, don’t tell me."

Words lose meaning after promises are broken.

For me, I also had to show that I wouldn’t always see her for worst days, that I would allow for new, better days.

Anyway, the proof in our M showed up in hundreds of consistent, kind, caring actions — that continued for months and now years.

My head hits the pillow at night and I know where I stand with my partner.

It took a few YEARS to get there, but we did.

I urge you to ask, if you want to be more than the safe choice.

sisoon I think that is probably the difficult part not only asking it but knowing what would actually feel like a real answer rather than words I want to take comfort from. I think part of this for me is having to work out what being loved and wanted would actually look like now in a way that feels grounded rather than something I simply assumed before and I do think you are right that I have to ask myself those same questions too.

In the early days after my wife’s confession, my refrain was simple, "Show me, don’t tell me."

Oldwounds I think that gets very close to the heart of it for me once words have already been used to hide soften or manage reality - they do lose a lot of their weight.

What you said about not wanting to be the last one standing but wanting to feel wanted really struck me too as think that is very close to the wound I am trying to name.

In my own situation where facts and timelines shifted later that has only made words feel even less solid and actions matter more. It helps to hear that for you it was not one perfect answer but hundreds of consistent actions over time.

That choice goes both ways.
If you truly felt that your spouse is only there for stability. That he loves your cooking but not you, or that you are an economical option, then YOU have the choice of not being there.

I try to be attentive to my marriage. It’s hard – one of the best things about marriage is looking at your spouse and thinking "that’s mine. That’s what’s going to bed tonight beside me, that’s what’s waking up beside me, that’s what’s going to be there when I get home…" In other words: taking them for granted, and that in turn stability.
My "tool" for dealing with that is constantly reminding myself that I am there by choice, as is she. If I don’t want her posting on some random internet forum about being taken for granted – or chosen for stability – I need to ensure that on a regular level she get’s the message that I love and care for her. Because if I don’t… she might choose not to be here.

I try to be attentive to my marriage. It’s hard – one of the best things about marriage is looking at your spouse and thinking "that’s mine. That’s what’s going to bed tonight beside me, that’s what’s waking up beside me, that’s what’s going to be there when I get home…" In other words: taking them for granted, and that in turn stability.
My "tool" for dealing with that is constantly reminding myself that I am there by choice, as is she. If I don’t want her posting on some random internet forum about being taken for granted – or chosen for stability – I need to ensure that on a regular level she get’s the message that I love and care for her. Because if I don’t… she might choose not to be here.

This has been one of the biggest lessons both my wife and I learned from this horrible ordeal, and I had to admit to myself that I had indeed been taking her for granted after over 26 years together (almost 28 now) as much as she did me. We both have admitted that and apologized to each other for it. Not a day goes by now that we don't tell or show the other that we appreciate each other now.

I like your analogy of carrying an egg over rough terrain vs carrying a golf ball. Of course you're going to be much more careful transporting the egg, which is representative of a marriage. We don't treat our marriage like a golf ball anymore.

I am there by choice, as is she.

Bigger I think this is the part that matters because betrayal can completely distort how the betrayed person looks back over the whole relationship.

Stability itself is not a bad thing as long marriages and families need stability. The difficulty is when betrayal makes you question whether that stability sat alongside genuine love desire and emotional presence or whether you were mainly the safe structure holding everything together.

What Pogre said about both partners realising they had taken each other for granted over time also feels honest because long relationships can naturally settle into familiarity - but betrayal changes the emotional meaning of that familiarity afterwards.

It comes back to what Oldwounds said earlier about not wanting to be the last one standing but wanting to feel wanted.

That is really the wound I was trying to name - not only being stayed with but feeling actively and emotionally chosen.

One of the hardest things I keep coming back to is the fear that I may have been chosen more for stability than for love.

Flip the question. Are you staying more for stability than love?

Flip the question. Are you staying more for stability than love?

Unhinged yes that is exactly the stage I think I am at now as having to ask both questions at the same time. I do not have a neat answer yet but I am leaning towards the reality that love alone is not enough if it no longer feels safe or stable for me.