Newlywed18 (original poster new member #75935) posted at 1:13 AM on Monday, May 25th, 2026
I posted here originally in 2020 after my husband was found soliciting by my then minor son. He seemed remorseful and we started intense couples work that we continued for 4 years. Over the past 6 years he has been sexually coercive and emotionally abusive. He would pressure me for oral sex when he knows I have spine issues and would say if I could chew and eat food I should be able to give him oral sex. Ironically he said the first time he was soliciting was because he was not receiving enough oral sex.
He left a few months ago for a predetermined time apart and never returned. He has tried to reconcile a few times and I have gone no contact. We do not have children together. This year would have been 10 years together and was 8 years married. I found phone records where he was activating dating apps immediately after leaving and still trying to string me along. One night he had over 50 back and forth texts with over 15 prostitutes. This tells me this behavior is not new and that he is just escalating. There have been hundred of thousands of dollars that have gone through our accounts and we have nothing to show for it. I am not a big spender.
Has anyone been in this situation and was your attorney able to figure out what all had been going on? One of the paralegals at the firm said this happened to her sister and no one could believe what all they found. It made me feel like she was trying to prepare me for the worst.
Also, the women were in their early 20's and as a middle age woman I feel like an old hag. My friends, family, and therapist are telling me this is the trauma talking. I know intellectually this is his addiction but emotionally I feel like I am not enough.
SackOfSorry ( member #83195) posted at 1:53 AM on Monday, May 25th, 2026
I hope this doesn't come off the wrong way but it seems that *for him*, a broken individual, you're not enough. But that's not because of you, it's because of something wrong with him. I know it sucks, I know it feels awful. The problem is him, not you!
Me - BW DDay - May 4, 2013
And nothing's quite as sure as change. (The Mamas and the Papas)
Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 2:05 AM on Monday, May 25th, 2026
It sounds like he is not going to change. You have this one life, please figure out how to enjoy it. He has the ability to stop, he just doesn’t want to. You need to accept that and let go.
When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis
Newlywed18 (original poster new member #75935) posted at 2:22 AM on Monday, May 25th, 2026
I am working on letting it go and moving forward with divorce. I am working in therapy to rebuild myself. I think what is so hard now is new revelations coming out weekly that are life changing, such as an STD diagnosis.
ButterflyInProgress ( member #87238) posted at 2:16 PM on Monday, May 25th, 2026
Newlywed I do not think this sounds like a reflection of your worth attractiveness or value as a woman at all. What you describe sounds much more like escalation entitlement and addiction patterns in him that were already there long before you could ever have fixed them by giving more of yourself.
The comment about oral sex while knowing you have spine issues honestly made me feel very sad for you because that is not intimacy or care - tat is someone prioritising his own compulsions over your physical wellbeing and dignity. The STD diagnosis changes things emotionally as well because it stops being abstract betrayal and becomes something that affected your actual health and bodily safety - that is a huge thing to process and it makes complete sense that new discoveries each week are retraumatising you.
I say this gently as someone who also understands how devastating the health side of betrayal can feel — trauma immediately turns it into "I was not enough" but from what you have written this sounds much more like someone with a bottomless need that no person was ever realistically going to fill.
I also do not think the age of the women says anything meaningful about you as alot of compulsive behaviour around prostitution is driven by novelty validation fantasy and access - not by some objective comparison between women.
The fact you are already in therapy maintaining no contact and moving towards divorce honestly sounds like survival instinct and self protection finally kicking in after years of carrying far too much.
One thing I would gently say is do not minimise the coercion side of this. Pressuring you sexually while dismissing your pain and medical issues is not small. Neither is the emotional abuse. Sometimes we normalise things while we are inside them because we are trying so hard to keep the relationship functioning.
You sound exhausted, shocked and traumatised, not "old" or "not enough".
