I know I answered with a meme, but I was quite serious about it. I think I want to speak a little to my intent around that meme, but my advice is really meant for the BS.
The original dialog in the meme from Invincible is "How do I breathe in space?" to which his dad says "That's the neat part, you don't". I don't think it is up to the WS to balance the scales. I do think it is up to the WS to do their best to earn forgiveness. To become a safe partner, and to provide an environment that allows the BS to heal. One where the BS is not continuously under attack from new lies, DDays, or even trickle truth. But that is basically the extent of what the WS can do. And that isn't enough to "balance the scales" or make thing equal in the relationship.
The advice I'm going to give here isn't for everyone and it's intended for BS's who are intent on reconciliation. The BS is the one that brings equality back to the relationship. The BS determines what is necessary and required in the new marriage for it to be acceptable and equal to the BS. I do not think it is possible to healthily balance the scales through *symmetry*.
That is, a revenge affair, a hall pass, etc. I don't believe burning the house down a second time will make things equal. I don't think that degrading oneself morally will bring about healing or strengthen the relationship, which is presumably what a BS interested in reconciliation is looking for. There a plenty of threads that have dissected the RA and the hall pass to death, so I'll leave that out.
That leaves us only with *asymmetrical* solutions to restore equality. Make no mistake it is the WS who first brought asymmetry to the relationship. The WS brought another person in, against their vows, without the knowledge of the BS.
And for that reason, I believe it is best for the BS to approach the new M with a clear and obvious difference to how they approached the dead M.
First, the BS needs to put themself first (or after the kids :) ). Forever. You cannot put a betrayer in your top priority slot. It just defies logic and self-preservation. This is the cost of betrayal. If the WS knew you made them your top priority, they deserve to lose that. Now obviously not all BS's need to make this change. I'm sure plenty of BS's put themselves first in the first marriage as well. But if you didn't, that's the first change. Make no mistake, WS has demonstrated they are their first priority. I often give the advice to the BS that they should p0ick up a hobby. The WS ought to be willing to make that time for you. WS is obviously also allowed to have personal hobbies and you can make time for them. I'm not suggesting this be unequal. I'm suggesting that many BS's are prone to give and give and give until there is nothing left because the WS has never been scared to ask for time or sacrifice from the BS.
Second, give yourself permission to get out of the M. Your dead M was "until death do us part" but it was also "forsake all others". I personally consider the vows "non-binding" in the new M. They are now more like goals than promises. I don't want to do a vow renewal because "as long as we can hack it" isn't very romantic. Once again, it was the WS that first chose this path. The equality is that I remove a reassurance I once gave. It was the WS that first decide the vows were more like guidelines. Now someone might complain I'm opening the door to an RA here. But I'm really not. Because....
Third, maintain the moral high ground. You cannot hope to beat the WS at the game of deceit betrayal. The WS would like nothing more than to be able to claim you are the same pig rolling in mud that they are. To have equality in the relationship it is critical that the WS not be able to leverage a claim to equal harm. This also demonstrates that you *value* integrity, honesty, transparency, and agency as a person, and not just as a promise. It's something you want to see in the WS and you want to demonstrate it yourself. If you expect the WS to make you feel safe (from abuse) in the relationship, it's only fair you do the same.
Finally, write down your goals for your new marriage. How is the new M going to benefit you? Better sex? Better communication? Some specific desire to fulfill? Agree to those goals with the WS. This was incredibly helpful and allowed us to make real progress in R. Discussion are great. Talking is great. But written goals of how you want the marriage to be. How you want it feel. What you expect from each other in terms of support, in terms of healing, in terms of working back to something more normal (since more likely than not you have to start at something closer to marriage police). That gives the WS an understanding that this isn't some infinite punishment, but instead is the result of their actions and something that you can reconcile from by working towards those clearly stated shared goals.
